2 months Update

Me and Kenzi

After we lost Clayton

Just me and Josh

(Baby shower with Emma)

Hanging by the pool (Prego with Em)

My sr. photo (one of many)

Bus ride 

1st bus ride-pregnant with Emma(Going to dr 2009)

Pregnant with Jace

Family Photo minus the cat Charlie

Park days

Nephew Skyler

Charlie in the bassinet 

Tootsie at my grandma's house

1ST Key Lime Pie

Headed to the dr.

Baby Paisley 22 weeks

Daniel 6 mths old

Tootsie checking out nephew Daniel

angel garden for the angels (Clayton, Emma, Savannah and Jace Marie)

A lot has happened in the last 2 months-Jace is now 7 months old, Emma is now 20 months old. Our niece Savannah is 17 months and niece Abby is 6 months tomorrow. Our nephew Daniel is 7 months old now, not a crawler yet, but soon, and Nathan will be 4 in 4 months. Next week is Easter, we arent celebrating, and the following week or so is Mothers Day and hopefully Jace's headstone will be up by then. Then as we all know its Memorial Day. I was talking to my grandma tonight and I think Im going to have a birthday dinner to remember my Grandpa Sheldon by. Fresh corn on the cob, whole garden tomatoes, burgers or steak on the grill, fresh strawberries in cream and sugar and 7 layer salad. My mouth is watering already and its 2 months away haha. Josh got the full time position and is now permanent with the company, he had his first round of training in Peoria last week and passed his HAS-MAT test with literally flying colors, he tied for the highest score out of 11 people, he leaves this Sunday for his fire fighter training and will be home Friday. So tonight whats on my mind is "one way streets". Why do some relationships only seem to be one way? Like we go see my family all the damn time, but they can never come see us because and I quote "the neighborhood is not safe and there are homeless people". REALLY!?!?!?!?  Our neighborhood is inner city, but most of the neighborhoods are around here, and every city and town has homeless people. Grandma meets us in a neighboring sister city, which is fine, she makes an effort, seems like shes the only one who makes the effort. The other thing I am battling with in my head is, neglected kids taken by DCFS. I know a family, who has a 3  bedroom house and 8 people living there, and one of the family members threatened to call CPS on them and the DHS. Why? If it wasnt for these kids grandparents, then yes, they would be having issues, but the grandparents take such good care of these kids, and to take them away from that just seems so wrong. Granted this old bat is a little off her rocker, but still. Its not even cool to joke about things like that. We moved our dining room back into the kitchen and started putting up some baby things yesterday. Pretty cool, seems like life is making a full circle, in a good way though. Well Josh is home-off to make grilled cheese with tomato and tomato soup for dinner-

Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses,

Ashleigh and angels

a new angel parent couple needs prayer

its been 5 months already, cant believe it-now we are at the point of deciding to try again or to get my tubes tied...a lot of thoughts going on right now-between that and wondering if we will be homeless in a month-who knows...say a prayer for a new found friend victoria and her husband derrick as they just lost their daughter carly ann on jan 9th to unknown reasons as of right now-noone should be going on the journey of losing a child-so please pray for them and their strength and hope

thanks
ashleigh and angels

What a journey...

4 months after the loss of our angel Jace, we find ourselves wondering, what is our next move-Josh just started a new job site, and his last check and next pay check are going to be so small, we have to decide between groceries or a bill-its nuts-come the 2nd check in Feb though all will be okay. We are also now stuck in between staying at the house we live in now, we are settled, we have put a lot of work into it, and its big enough for us, and paying rent because we cant get all the taxes paid off in time, or trying for a mortgage and moving, which will get us out of this crazy area, into our own home, and the space will be bigger, but it could mean less money every month, more renovations and again the moving thing. We are stuck between decisions, so I trust Josh to make the best one, and I will obviously go with it. Jace's headstone is now down to 253 dollars until its paid off, which is satisfying. My relationship with my parents is much better, my relationship with Joshs family seems to be worse almost, and my relationship with Josh, despite our 5 year anniversary coming up the 30th, is a little bumpy right now. He is working 3rd shift, I am still at home, and its just a lot of routine, but I am happy with it. So do we adopt or do we hope for the best in the future with our own fertility. I guess we will find out as time goes on. In the mean time, my best friend of 11 years is now talking to me again, after some comments I made out of pure insanity, I have another new friend, who can totally relate to me, she too is an angel mother. We got a few inches of snow this last week, its melting, so Im hoping we get more snow soon, but I look forward to planting my flowers this spring and then in the summer possibly having another pool up or something. Nothing too much has gone on though since I last blogged, just thinking a lot about where the future will take us. Joshs new job has a lot of opportunity for growth, he just needs to believe in himself more and take it on full and strong. A lot of prayers go out to a couple from Lincoln who just lost their twin boys, to stillbirth last week. My heart breaks for you, and you will remain in all my thoughts and prayers. Lots of love and luck to each angel parent out there.

Fluffy Hugs and Lots of Love,
Ashleigh and Angels

4 months ago

4 Months ago our daughter Jace had no heart beat-its been one of those days-we are in the process of adopting a baby boy and its very exciting- I will not be blogging for quite some time, going to be busy, also on bedrest for the time being for other issues-here are some photos of the nursery-there are others, but these are a few- Christmas was good, new years was good-been a little hectic around here, but all is well-have a wonderful next few months

December 15,2010

Hello World! Well its been a crazy few weeks for my family. I left Decatur the 29th of November to be with my parents and siblings for my grandfathers funeral, the 30th we spent on the road going to Wisconsin, it was interestingly fun. Well as fun as it could be. We stopped off at the Machine Shed and had a late lunch, thats where we always met up with my grandparents at. Memories. We got to the hotel and my dad's cousin was there, she is super nice, her and her husband both. You know I dont think I feel sad for my grandpa, I feel more sad for my dad and aunt, that they had to bury their father. I cant even imagine, I dont want to imagine. I had to bury my baby, and I couldnt handle that, so I made my daddy promise me that we wouldnt have to bury him, and he responded by saying that hed go propped up in the corner of their house, it was a smart ass comment, but it was nice to know he was on board with the cookey idea. LoL. I love my parents. They are good people.Needless to say, the visitation was hard, it didnt hit me until I touched him, see with my other grandpa, we knew it was coming, just didnt know when, but with this grandpa it was so sudden it seemed, so quick. Maybe I was in a fantasy land IDK, but I do know it hit me hard when it hit me. Now I am home, came home on Jace's due date, December 3rd, me and my brother stopped off at the cemetery and took her a couple balloons, I think, now that he has little Skyler it hit him harder than I thought it would, he cant imagine losing a baby. I never imagined it, but now that its happened, miscarriages, stillborn, after birth death, I think Im pretty well covered. Ill be honest, Im dreading Christmas, to me its just going to be another day. We walk through the stores and see all this "Baby's 1st Christmas" items, and I just want to scream and yell for Jace to come back, wake up, something! I know she wont but thats what I want to do. Its horrible, my family tells me that I abused my body too much, and thats why she isnt here, well I say thats bull shit! Do you know how many women are abusing their body's while pregnant? I do! In fact, a month or so ago, Josh and I put an adoption ad up and a lady replied to it stating she has a family friend who is homeless and pregnant, the woman is ready to get rid of the baby, never see it never contact it nothing, she is a crack addict. Makes me want to hate the mother, its so horrible. We all have lost a child, doesnt it make you want to slap this bitch? Makes me want to! Well DCFS told Josh and I that they would have an open active case on this mother, we could take the baby home, but we have to write something up with her signing it and get it notarized, but first wed have to become certified foster parents and then they could place this baby with us, and after the case is close, we could adopt him. Yes, its a little boy. I think I may have gotten my hopes up though. I dont think mentally I could prepare myself for the problems that could come up with him, or even the fact that he more than likely will be born very early, she is due the end of February, and he could die. Can I handle that again? I dont think so! My speakers keep cutting out. Anyways, I dont think this is the smartest thing for Josh and I at this time, not sure though. Anyways, Christmas, I seem to be buying gifts for everyone and everything, even my damn fish. My friend tells me this is my way of grieving, well Josh looks at it like money money money. I just want to make everyone else happy at this point I think. Idk. Well we went to the cemetery a few days ago, it was beautiful, snow on the ground, everything. I think though maybe the babies in the Garden of Angels is cold, but Josh assures me they are all in Heaven and its paradise. Is it really? Well that is all for now, finding myself angry at the world, I guess this is all apart of the process-oh and being bipolar probably doesnt help any. Waiting on my period to come, hope it comes before Christmas, I hate the cramps and irk! My doggy is getting over an ear infection, and my cat keeps drinking out of the sink-see I put all the spoons, knifes and forks in a glass in the sink with some soapy water and let them soak, and he keeps drinking out of it, even though he has a water bowl and a big one on the floor he can also drink out of, and he keeps throwing up, guess he just doesnt know that mayo in soapy water from a spoon used to spread on Josh's sandwiches for work, is probably not good for him. Stupid cat! Anyways, I feel like Im writing a novel. Got to go, hoping to go to the cemetery before the big storm hits here. Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours.

Love,

Ashleigh

P.S. a good friend of mine told me she has an ARMY of angels watching over her, well I believe my parents and I also have a troop guarding us. My parents went to the Bears game Sunday in Chicago, they left early because it was so cold, and on their way home, they got in a bad accident, dad hit his head, and moms door is so smashed she cant get out of it, but they all walked away, blessing! Dad injured his shoulder, and mom injured her neck, but they are lucky they are here, the guy had a smaller pick up who smashed into them, he is very lucky as well. I believe my parents had both grandpa's, grandma, their 2 angel babies, my angel babies, my mom's sister Connie, and a few others watching over them during that time, plus God of course. Well stay warm, and have a good holiday season, Im hoping mine gets better, Im praying I find my holiday spirit...maybe someday.

Another Angel Looking Down...

Thanksgiving night, my grandfather passed away and joined my daughter Emma, daughter Jace, grandmother(his wife), my grandfather, aunt Connie and a few other angels that have been longing for him to join them. We will be heading to my familys Monday, leaving for Wisconsin tuesday, returning to my parents Friday night, and returning home Saturday. Funeral is Thursday, visitation is Wednesday. Keep my family in your prayers. Thank you.

The days leading up to now...

A couple of weeks ago, Josh and I found out we were pregnant. We went to the doctor, they gave me a due date of July 3,2011 and we went on our way. THE NEXT DAY, I started clotting, big clots! We went in, we miscarried. I am now on a birth control pill, never to get pregnant for a long time again. Something is wrong, and when they test the tissue, which I will get the results in a couple weeks, I will know why my body, for sure, does this to us. Am I being punished for the way I lived my life almost a decade ago? Am I being punished for being over weight? Are we being punished for not being married and wanting to be parents? What is the problem. As you can see, a lot has occurred in the last few weeks since I last wrote. My aunt Vickie came home from Washington state, and the night before she left she told me I was molested by my grandfather on my dad's side, I think I wanted to kill her. Its not true, so why in the hell would she say this in front of Josh and then tell me that my grandmother and my uncle both know it happened?? Is she that dumb, or is she just stirring the pot. For the record, I have never been molested, I was raped 1 time when I was 17, because I went on a date with a man I met through the internet, but nothing ever became of that. Also she tells me she is sorry for ever doubting Jace's death. It felt like a very hollow Im sorry. Also, Josh is getting a job site transfer. He will be working security at a local factory, its a pay cut, but more growth opportunity there. Very exciting. Oh, our tree is up, its only a 4 foot tree, but its big enough for just Josh and I. It is decorated in candy canes, haha. The last few days have been spent, putting in a new toilet, painting and cleaning the bathroom, and prepping the spare bedroom for Joshs older brother to move in. We dont need a nursery now, so he will be moving in little by little and helping us with a third of the monthly bills and the back taxes. So a lot of painting has been going on here. The bathroom is a pink color with a yellow trim, it all matches the decor in there, and Alan's bedroom is a yellow color with a chocolate trim. Its actually prettier than I thought it would be. Its a work in progress that bedroom. Last night Josh and I spent the evening painting, putting away laundry, doing dishes and then we sat down, watched 2 Christmas movies and just relaxed. Peace and quiet! Very nice! Today we went by the cemetery for a quick second, did some grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, and had a quiet lunch before Josh was sent off to work. As the holidays are quickly approaching I watch these families with their children, teens to infants, and I just long for the day, when Josh and I can be parading and chasing our children around the grocery store while holiday shopping. Sounds crazy, because most parents dread chasing 5 year olds around in the store, but to me its something that symbolizes parenthood :-) We have names picked out already for our future child, that shows we are hopeful someday God will bless us with a baby girl or boy. Kyla Nevaeh and Cale Jackson will be the name of choice. So opinion, my baby brother, he is 13, and today a child put a Nazi sign on his desk and the class started calling him a Nazi...broke my heart... :-( Well thats all tonight...heres pictures of my house...