(TAKEN AUGUST 7,2010 AT EMMA'S 1ST BIRTHDAY PARTY MEMORIAL...I WASNT AN OUTCAST THEN...ALL OF JOSHS FAMILY STOOD BY WITH JOSH AND I THAT DAY!)
Day 2 since we said our good byes...
Yesterday I told you about all the support I have had...well it seems like none of those people want to stop by to see me anymore, or even bring my nephews by. Last night I kept waking up from dreams, they werent nice dreams either, but all I remember was someone saying "She is home". Who is home? Who is talking to me? I have been slowly feeling crazy since then. My mother in law says she is coming over today before church or after church to drop off some items for me, that was last night when she dropped off my groceries for us. It is now 4 p.m. the next day, I text her she says shes coming by after storage, that was 4 hours ago. Do I have a contagious disease I dont know about? My sister in law and best friend, says yesterday after the service she and my nephews are coming over, do they show up, no. She tells me last night, she will be by today with the boys and we will watch a movie, it is now 4 p.m. and she tells me she isnt coming. Do I have a contagious disease or something? Actually I feel like I do these last couple of weeks. When you are sick, you dont want to eat, clean, shower, anything, right? Well I have to force myself to eat, and clean, and even shower. That sounds gross I know, but it is life. Maybe these people think it will make me feel worse to have them around me all the time, but I know myself and it will keep me occupied and my mind off of everything, even though I hear you are supposed to let your mind remember, until I can get through this. It just feels like I am alone. Like everyone has moved on with their daily life, and I am just stuck. I feel like I am being dramatic sometimes, the crying when I see baby clothes, and the crying when I go to sleep with my teddy bear in hand, it feels so juvenile to cry over little things. Maybe, just maybe, they dont want to say the wrong thing. Oh yes, I hate when people tell me "Everything happens for a reason", or they say "They are better off with God anyways", like I wouldnt make a good mother. I would though, and thats one of the many reasons I need to see my nephews, so I can be around babies and stuff. Maybe sometimes I do want to be alone, but since this happened, all I want is people around me, flooding me with updates on the outside world, and flooding me with smiles and love. I am a very social person, I need the gossip from the outside, I need to be free, even if I cant physically make myself get up and go out of bed, unless its a must, I need the outside news, I need people from the outside of my little tiny box for a house to come visit me, so I know I didnt disappoint anyone, or make them feel towards me some of the things I feel towards myself. Like a complete loser! Can anyone relate to this, besides me? If you can, please let me know how or if you have gotten past being alone. I have my cuddle cub, but I need the interaction, although this cuddle cub, in which I have named Jaycee, allowed me to sleep some last night. Thank you God!
