To say someone is lost but never forgotten is an understatement. Today, September 18,2010, my boyfriend and I said good bye to our 3rd infant, Jace Marie. Its crippling, its one of the most horrible pains anyone can ever feel. I cant speak for others, but my pain goes too deep to explain. I am grateful for all the support I have seemed to run into these last couple of weeks, but this making our 3rd. I know that its only I that can give my self the true support I need to "get on with life". That saying, "get on with life", is a phrase I hate. I hate it for a couple of reasons, but my number one reason is, you cant ever just "get on with life" after losing anyone you love so dearly. I may never have met this precious little angel, or got to hold their hands on the first day of school, or pack their lunch for picnics with friends, or even give them a hug when they fall down, but a mothers love for a child starts when those 2 little lines pop up on that one tiny stick, and it tells you," HEY! YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!!". My family has had a lot of tragic deaths in their life time. My grandmother started us off, with delivering my aunt Connie who was stillborn, grandma went on to have 4 children after Connie's birth. Then my mother, my mother had 2 miscarriages, I dont know much about them, I just know my mom puts on a brave face for all of the family, she went on to have 4 children. Then there is me, I have had 3 second trimester losses since 2007 and 2 confirmed miscarriages since 2005. A lot of infant losses, but just as important as the infant losses, are older people losses as well. We lost my grandmother in 1998, my grandfather in 2008, and my little brother whom is 13, well his best friend was one of the Gee family children whom were murdered out of hate and cruelty. I think my problem is, I am so focused on helping my family, and loved ones through everything, that I dont take 10 minutes out for myself to grieve. I guess I sometimes have to suck it up and put on the fake smile to make people feel better about themselves, and just cry alone. We found out that we were not 27 weeks pregnant with Jace, today after the services I took it upon myself to call up to the hospital and ask them for information regarding the loss of my precious Jace, they informed me that I was only 20 weeks along, but they didn't really know, they could just guess based on the development of her. It breaks my heart to think that so many questions will be left unanswered, all because I didn't do what I was supposed to do. Ever blame yourself or wonder what if? I do. I think everyone goes through that stage, what if I did this or that, well to me this is all normal. I have done this wondering thing, since June 12,2007 when we delivered Clayton, and its never stopped, just when you think theres nothing you could have done, or it isnt your fault directly or indirectly, something comes up. For me it was the fact that I didnt take the prenatal vitamins, and with Emma the doctor asked me if I had ever taken them before, and when I replied "no" to him, I realized I was supposed to take them with Clayton. Little things like that. The other thing I am having a hard time dealing with is "body image". I hear so many women saying how fat they are, and then, as any mother knows, after you deliver, you still appear pregnant for quite some time. Its hard. I was in a food joint today, after services, and someone sitting beside me started saying,as I stood up, "Oh my gosh(substituted not to offend anyone), look at the size of her," and before I knew it a table of elderly ladies were turning around and staring. It hurt my feelings. Grief is something everyone handles differently. A lady told me today, men are stronger than women, boy is that the truth. Every little comment, that used to not bother me, bothers me now, and I either get angry, or I cry. In this instance I got angry and actually said something to the lady with the oxygen machine, I look back and I should have just zipped my lips.The last and final thing on my mind tonight is, no one believes me, well at least the most important people that I find to look up to,dont. When I was young, we are talking 13-20 years of age, I had a major history of lying. I lied about stupid stuff like eating bags of chips, or taking 20 dollars from my mothers purse, little things. Well when I was 20, and I found out that I was pregnant with baby number 3, I told my parents I wasnt pregnant or sexually active, it was a big lie, so when I went into the hospital to have a D&C done, and I called my mother crying, all lines of both communication and trust were broken, and our relationship has never been the same since. She didnt believe me about Clayton, but my younger older brother did, took him a year to believe it, but he finally called me from his tour in Iraq and told me he knew it was the truth, but my parents never did. They stopped believing I was pregnant with Emma because her original due date came and went, so when she was born sleeping I didnt even tell my mother or father about it, in fact the only people I told were my boyfriend, his family and my grandmother. What I dont understand is, my mother is a nurse, she felt Emma kick, she would look at my doctors orders after my appointments, yet for some reason she still didnt believe me, I finally confronted her and told her about Emma 2 nights ago, when I invited, practically begged, my parents to go today to Jace's memorial service. She told me during that conversation Thursday night, that I had a history of lying, which is true, but it was a civil conversation, it got a huge weight off both of our shoulders, and we decided to go our separate ways that night. It bothers me, but it doesnt, because I know that this is real, everyone else knows this is real, and emotions like mine or Joshs just dont happen if it was fake. Call me crazy but I am not a very happy person when it comes to the support my parents have shown me over the last few years, and I really wouldnt blame anyone who was in my situation if they just walked away peacefully from a relationship with their parents either. In a time like this, I need love, I need to know that someone is there to listen, to make sure I and my boyfriend are okay, and I have that, just not from my parents. I figure, they will come to terms with this eventually, whether it is a week from now or 20 years from now, they will. I am at peace with all the decisions I have made for my unborn children, my boyfriend, my family, my life. I am now at peace with the fact that someday, I hold on to this, I will be a mother to Clayton,Emma and Jace, and someday I will see them again. My goal in life is to tell my whole story, to let people know that there this happens to good people. I was amazed today to see how many children and babies were passed on, it wasnt just my child, and my children, it was a whole bunch of children. Yes, I still feel alone, but I feel more of a comfort knowing these are normal emotions. I was reading a pamphlet today about the steps of grief and one of them was denial. Maybe my family is in denial, I dont know, but I do know that these emotions are healthy, and I will turn these pregnancy losses into something for the better. I would love to get my story out there and potentially help another woman or family that has lost and they literally have noone to turn to for comfort. I am so lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it, that I had an amazing group of staff at the memorial today and the last week, I am hoping someday I can be like them, and comfort a needing family. So this is my story, how I feel, and all the emotions from every aspect of my life and my family-welcome.
