Hello World! Well its been a crazy few weeks for my family. I left Decatur the 29th of November to be with my parents and siblings for my grandfathers funeral, the 30th we spent on the road going to Wisconsin, it was interestingly fun. Well as fun as it could be. We stopped off at the Machine Shed and had a late lunch, thats where we always met up with my grandparents at. Memories. We got to the hotel and my dad's cousin was there, she is super nice, her and her husband both. You know I dont think I feel sad for my grandpa, I feel more sad for my dad and aunt, that they had to bury their father. I cant even imagine, I dont want to imagine. I had to bury my baby, and I couldnt handle that, so I made my daddy promise me that we wouldnt have to bury him, and he responded by saying that hed go propped up in the corner of their house, it was a smart ass comment, but it was nice to know he was on board with the cookey idea. LoL. I love my parents. They are good people.Needless to say, the visitation was hard, it didnt hit me until I touched him, see with my other grandpa, we knew it was coming, just didnt know when, but with this grandpa it was so sudden it seemed, so quick. Maybe I was in a fantasy land IDK, but I do know it hit me hard when it hit me. Now I am home, came home on Jace's due date, December 3rd, me and my brother stopped off at the cemetery and took her a couple balloons, I think, now that he has little Skyler it hit him harder than I thought it would, he cant imagine losing a baby. I never imagined it, but now that its happened, miscarriages, stillborn, after birth death, I think Im pretty well covered. Ill be honest, Im dreading Christmas, to me its just going to be another day. We walk through the stores and see all this "Baby's 1st Christmas" items, and I just want to scream and yell for Jace to come back, wake up, something! I know she wont but thats what I want to do. Its horrible, my family tells me that I abused my body too much, and thats why she isnt here, well I say thats bull shit! Do you know how many women are abusing their body's while pregnant? I do! In fact, a month or so ago, Josh and I put an adoption ad up and a lady replied to it stating she has a family friend who is homeless and pregnant, the woman is ready to get rid of the baby, never see it never contact it nothing, she is a crack addict. Makes me want to hate the mother, its so horrible. We all have lost a child, doesnt it make you want to slap this bitch? Makes me want to! Well DCFS told Josh and I that they would have an open active case on this mother, we could take the baby home, but we have to write something up with her signing it and get it notarized, but first wed have to become certified foster parents and then they could place this baby with us, and after the case is close, we could adopt him. Yes, its a little boy. I think I may have gotten my hopes up though. I dont think mentally I could prepare myself for the problems that could come up with him, or even the fact that he more than likely will be born very early, she is due the end of February, and he could die. Can I handle that again? I dont think so! My speakers keep cutting out. Anyways, I dont think this is the smartest thing for Josh and I at this time, not sure though. Anyways, Christmas, I seem to be buying gifts for everyone and everything, even my damn fish. My friend tells me this is my way of grieving, well Josh looks at it like money money money. I just want to make everyone else happy at this point I think. Idk. Well we went to the cemetery a few days ago, it was beautiful, snow on the ground, everything. I think though maybe the babies in the Garden of Angels is cold, but Josh assures me they are all in Heaven and its paradise. Is it really? Well that is all for now, finding myself angry at the world, I guess this is all apart of the process-oh and being bipolar probably doesnt help any. Waiting on my period to come, hope it comes before Christmas, I hate the cramps and irk! My doggy is getting over an ear infection, and my cat keeps drinking out of the sink-see I put all the spoons, knifes and forks in a glass in the sink with some soapy water and let them soak, and he keeps drinking out of it, even though he has a water bowl and a big one on the floor he can also drink out of, and he keeps throwing up, guess he just doesnt know that mayo in soapy water from a spoon used to spread on Josh's sandwiches for work, is probably not good for him. Stupid cat! Anyways, I feel like Im writing a novel. Got to go, hoping to go to the cemetery before the big storm hits here. Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours.
Love,
Ashleigh
P.S. a good friend of mine told me she has an ARMY of angels watching over her, well I believe my parents and I also have a troop guarding us. My parents went to the Bears game Sunday in Chicago, they left early because it was so cold, and on their way home, they got in a bad accident, dad hit his head, and moms door is so smashed she cant get out of it, but they all walked away, blessing! Dad injured his shoulder, and mom injured her neck, but they are lucky they are here, the guy had a smaller pick up who smashed into them, he is very lucky as well. I believe my parents had both grandpa's, grandma, their 2 angel babies, my angel babies, my mom's sister Connie, and a few others watching over them during that time, plus God of course. Well stay warm, and have a good holiday season, Im hoping mine gets better, Im praying I find my holiday spirit...maybe someday.
