December 15,2010

Hello World! Well its been a crazy few weeks for my family. I left Decatur the 29th of November to be with my parents and siblings for my grandfathers funeral, the 30th we spent on the road going to Wisconsin, it was interestingly fun. Well as fun as it could be. We stopped off at the Machine Shed and had a late lunch, thats where we always met up with my grandparents at. Memories. We got to the hotel and my dad's cousin was there, she is super nice, her and her husband both. You know I dont think I feel sad for my grandpa, I feel more sad for my dad and aunt, that they had to bury their father. I cant even imagine, I dont want to imagine. I had to bury my baby, and I couldnt handle that, so I made my daddy promise me that we wouldnt have to bury him, and he responded by saying that hed go propped up in the corner of their house, it was a smart ass comment, but it was nice to know he was on board with the cookey idea. LoL. I love my parents. They are good people.Needless to say, the visitation was hard, it didnt hit me until I touched him, see with my other grandpa, we knew it was coming, just didnt know when, but with this grandpa it was so sudden it seemed, so quick. Maybe I was in a fantasy land IDK, but I do know it hit me hard when it hit me. Now I am home, came home on Jace's due date, December 3rd, me and my brother stopped off at the cemetery and took her a couple balloons, I think, now that he has little Skyler it hit him harder than I thought it would, he cant imagine losing a baby. I never imagined it, but now that its happened, miscarriages, stillborn, after birth death, I think Im pretty well covered. Ill be honest, Im dreading Christmas, to me its just going to be another day. We walk through the stores and see all this "Baby's 1st Christmas" items, and I just want to scream and yell for Jace to come back, wake up, something! I know she wont but thats what I want to do. Its horrible, my family tells me that I abused my body too much, and thats why she isnt here, well I say thats bull shit! Do you know how many women are abusing their body's while pregnant? I do! In fact, a month or so ago, Josh and I put an adoption ad up and a lady replied to it stating she has a family friend who is homeless and pregnant, the woman is ready to get rid of the baby, never see it never contact it nothing, she is a crack addict. Makes me want to hate the mother, its so horrible. We all have lost a child, doesnt it make you want to slap this bitch? Makes me want to! Well DCFS told Josh and I that they would have an open active case on this mother, we could take the baby home, but we have to write something up with her signing it and get it notarized, but first wed have to become certified foster parents and then they could place this baby with us, and after the case is close, we could adopt him. Yes, its a little boy. I think I may have gotten my hopes up though. I dont think mentally I could prepare myself for the problems that could come up with him, or even the fact that he more than likely will be born very early, she is due the end of February, and he could die. Can I handle that again? I dont think so! My speakers keep cutting out. Anyways, I dont think this is the smartest thing for Josh and I at this time, not sure though. Anyways, Christmas, I seem to be buying gifts for everyone and everything, even my damn fish. My friend tells me this is my way of grieving, well Josh looks at it like money money money. I just want to make everyone else happy at this point I think. Idk. Well we went to the cemetery a few days ago, it was beautiful, snow on the ground, everything. I think though maybe the babies in the Garden of Angels is cold, but Josh assures me they are all in Heaven and its paradise. Is it really? Well that is all for now, finding myself angry at the world, I guess this is all apart of the process-oh and being bipolar probably doesnt help any. Waiting on my period to come, hope it comes before Christmas, I hate the cramps and irk! My doggy is getting over an ear infection, and my cat keeps drinking out of the sink-see I put all the spoons, knifes and forks in a glass in the sink with some soapy water and let them soak, and he keeps drinking out of it, even though he has a water bowl and a big one on the floor he can also drink out of, and he keeps throwing up, guess he just doesnt know that mayo in soapy water from a spoon used to spread on Josh's sandwiches for work, is probably not good for him. Stupid cat! Anyways, I feel like Im writing a novel. Got to go, hoping to go to the cemetery before the big storm hits here. Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours.

Love,

Ashleigh

P.S. a good friend of mine told me she has an ARMY of angels watching over her, well I believe my parents and I also have a troop guarding us. My parents went to the Bears game Sunday in Chicago, they left early because it was so cold, and on their way home, they got in a bad accident, dad hit his head, and moms door is so smashed she cant get out of it, but they all walked away, blessing! Dad injured his shoulder, and mom injured her neck, but they are lucky they are here, the guy had a smaller pick up who smashed into them, he is very lucky as well. I believe my parents had both grandpa's, grandma, their 2 angel babies, my angel babies, my mom's sister Connie, and a few others watching over them during that time, plus God of course. Well stay warm, and have a good holiday season, Im hoping mine gets better, Im praying I find my holiday spirit...maybe someday.

Another Angel Looking Down...

Thanksgiving night, my grandfather passed away and joined my daughter Emma, daughter Jace, grandmother(his wife), my grandfather, aunt Connie and a few other angels that have been longing for him to join them. We will be heading to my familys Monday, leaving for Wisconsin tuesday, returning to my parents Friday night, and returning home Saturday. Funeral is Thursday, visitation is Wednesday. Keep my family in your prayers. Thank you.

The days leading up to now...

A couple of weeks ago, Josh and I found out we were pregnant. We went to the doctor, they gave me a due date of July 3,2011 and we went on our way. THE NEXT DAY, I started clotting, big clots! We went in, we miscarried. I am now on a birth control pill, never to get pregnant for a long time again. Something is wrong, and when they test the tissue, which I will get the results in a couple weeks, I will know why my body, for sure, does this to us. Am I being punished for the way I lived my life almost a decade ago? Am I being punished for being over weight? Are we being punished for not being married and wanting to be parents? What is the problem. As you can see, a lot has occurred in the last few weeks since I last wrote. My aunt Vickie came home from Washington state, and the night before she left she told me I was molested by my grandfather on my dad's side, I think I wanted to kill her. Its not true, so why in the hell would she say this in front of Josh and then tell me that my grandmother and my uncle both know it happened?? Is she that dumb, or is she just stirring the pot. For the record, I have never been molested, I was raped 1 time when I was 17, because I went on a date with a man I met through the internet, but nothing ever became of that. Also she tells me she is sorry for ever doubting Jace's death. It felt like a very hollow Im sorry. Also, Josh is getting a job site transfer. He will be working security at a local factory, its a pay cut, but more growth opportunity there. Very exciting. Oh, our tree is up, its only a 4 foot tree, but its big enough for just Josh and I. It is decorated in candy canes, haha. The last few days have been spent, putting in a new toilet, painting and cleaning the bathroom, and prepping the spare bedroom for Joshs older brother to move in. We dont need a nursery now, so he will be moving in little by little and helping us with a third of the monthly bills and the back taxes. So a lot of painting has been going on here. The bathroom is a pink color with a yellow trim, it all matches the decor in there, and Alan's bedroom is a yellow color with a chocolate trim. Its actually prettier than I thought it would be. Its a work in progress that bedroom. Last night Josh and I spent the evening painting, putting away laundry, doing dishes and then we sat down, watched 2 Christmas movies and just relaxed. Peace and quiet! Very nice! Today we went by the cemetery for a quick second, did some grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, and had a quiet lunch before Josh was sent off to work. As the holidays are quickly approaching I watch these families with their children, teens to infants, and I just long for the day, when Josh and I can be parading and chasing our children around the grocery store while holiday shopping. Sounds crazy, because most parents dread chasing 5 year olds around in the store, but to me its something that symbolizes parenthood :-) We have names picked out already for our future child, that shows we are hopeful someday God will bless us with a baby girl or boy. Kyla Nevaeh and Cale Jackson will be the name of choice. So opinion, my baby brother, he is 13, and today a child put a Nazi sign on his desk and the class started calling him a Nazi...broke my heart... :-( Well thats all tonight...heres pictures of my house...

Day 3 of Meetings, Day 57 Since Jace Died...

Day 3 of OA meetings: I am actually finding some peace of mind attending this group. I am able to talk about the death of Jace, while also indulge in my more personal private things like my weight and such. I have never felt more at peace online, than I do with this group. I have set a goal for myself: 90 meetings in 90 days, 100 lbs in 12 months, 2300 calories a day, 90 minutes of light work out a week, 500 carbs a day or less, and 1 meeting a day. Tomorrow I attend my OA F2F group. I am scared shitless about that. It is easier for me to hide behind a computer screen than it is to walk into a room full of OA members and be the new person...very anxiety ridden. My boyfriend/ex what ever you want to call him, comes home, pissed off because his mother didnt take back the movies on time and and now we are a few bucks short on our car insurance which is due tomorrow...of course she wont find this to be her fault in any way shape or form. She is actually the reason, Josh and I are not a couple at this point in time. She kisses Jessi's ass, and leaves me out, when I actually want to do things with her, but I am not a family member, I am not anything to her or that family because I dont wear a wedding ring, carry the Whitcomb last name or have a screaming baby on my hip! Neither of those options seem too close in my reach right now. Nor do I really wish them to be at this point in time. I guess I am dealing with the loss of being a mother just like any other woman probably would...like a complete and total witch! I know that I am not roses and champaign lately...I know that I am a bat out of hell. I dont mean to be, I just am an emotional mess.  P.S. that movie Monster In Law...that is the perfect image of Josh's mother...irk...words cant even describe this woman. I am used to my family bending over backwards to help us, I am used to them loving Josh and I and treating us to lunches or helping us when we are emotional...his family...they are like aliens, lying, ugly, aliens! Is that too harsh? Peace of mind, Light of the heart....that is what I am currently seeking for myself :-)

Group Tonight...

Hi, I havent been on here in a while, fell in to a slump! The 2 month anniversary of Jace's death is quickly approaching and I have been so depressed I have barely made it up out of bed...I found myself laying in bed, eating and eating and eating...I got on the scale and I broke down and cried...the scale doesnt read me anymore...that is just too much...realizing my whole life revolves around what I am going to eat next or when I will eat made me realize I needed OA! I attended my first group last night, and it hit me, I was in the right place for me :-) My personal goal is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days :-) To lose 50 lbs in 3 months, and 100 lbs in 6 months, but I feel very stressed, and angry. I am probably angry at the fact that I am going without cigarettes and now carbs...I am going with out a baby and the boyfriend is shoving hamburgers in his face like candy...thats when you know you are a real food addict....I never related myself as a food addict before, but when you get mad because you cant eat, ya thats a problem! I am now over 300 lbs, I lied and told my boyfriend I was in the 200's but anyone who's a female and seen me, they know thats not true! I guess my first 2 goals are to start losing the weight, but in order to do that I have to stop minimalizing what I eat or how much I eat. My boyfriend and I will go through McDonalds and I notice Ill say I just want and then give him a list of 3 sandwiches even if they are JUST doubles...I minimalize everything...yesterday...I ate 3 cans of spaghetti o's and had a pint of star bucks ice cream...not normal eating!

Jace's death has affected me in so many ways, but its almost like I use that as an excuse to lay in bed and just eat, like depression is normal enough for me to binge...that is just not right...SO I AM TAKING THE STAND...I am going to over come this disease!

Fluffy Angel Kisses,
Ashleigh

Ever Wonder...

Hi, sorry I havent wrote in such a while, been busy...kind of....as we know, my brother, his wife and their son Skyler are in town until next Tuesday, and so the last few days, we have spent off and on with them. It was so much fun to just get away from the house and just relax! Depression- that is my topic today. Ever just sit  back and watch others around you, and their life go on, while yours is stuck right in the middle, right where it feels it shouldnt be? So I recently have been watching my "in laws" and my friends, and I see them say they are broke, say they are sad, say all this b.s. and then I hear about them going shopping, or going to the movies or whatever, and I just sit back and think like, that extra 30 dollars a month that could be going towards a day date for Josh and I, is going towards our baby's head stone. Like really!?!?! Then I listen to them complain about being broke, like Josh and I live by this budget, no extra's at all! I go see my family 2 times a month, which to me is not nearly enough visits with them, but I have to make do. I am in a city that I hate. I hear everyone else's problems, friend and family wise, and then they dont even bother to ask me how I am feeling. The last couple of days, I went to the store in my pj's, I go to bed and just lay there and cant sleep, I swear I saw my baby Emma, its just like depression is kicking my butt! MAJOR! My boyfriend makes some good money, but when you have  bills to pay, hospital bills because you have no insurance anymore, and groceries because unlike all those other people, you dont scam the state to get LINK....just had enough I think. Maybe this is all a part of the process, not sure, but I watch a friend get 600+ on her LINK card, which is food stamps, and she has state insurance, and then she says they have no food money, and cant afford to go to the doctor...REALLY! I dont know about you, but 600 would last me 2 months! and if I had insurance, which I dont because Josh and I arent married, I could go see the dr. about getting on an anti depressant or ask him why I still have a high fever....just seems odd to me I guess. Complaining, it gets on my nerves. I complain on here, its my outlet, dare I say this stuff to anyone outside of this journal, nope, because I just decide to keep my peace I guess. Just feels like something needs to give, either I need to get my butt out of this house, or something. I have been applying at different jobs, and going to counseling, and still playing house wife, cooking and cleaning and packing lunches, but no job will hire me, I feel I am unfit to work right now with the fact that I either dont sleep at all or sleep too much, I cry over little things. Please tell me someone else has gone through this. Here are some pictures we just took of us and our nephew Skyler, he has been the high light of my last few days to be honest. His mom on the other hand, well when she came in and saw my daughters pictures, I felt like I was being interrogated by her, and I didnt like it one bit. How dare she come into my house and start asking a zillion questions, I refuse to take any pictures down for anyone, I refuse to allow anyone to disrespect me or my family, just felt uncomfortable, and will I allow her back in my home, of course, because she is my sister in law, but golly somethings got to give.
Fluffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours,
Ashleigh


p.s. I am sorry if that was a bitch session, but I needed to vent...I just dont get how someone can say they need money for formula for their baby, but then they can go spend money on dinners out and shopping...maybe its because we lost a baby or something, but to me, these women and men need to get their priorities straight! i love them to death, but children come before luxuries! Just my opinion....

Depression....

So, I was talking to a friend today who tried to get me motivated enough to clean my house. I am not a nasty person, my house has always been spotless, but since Jace died, I literally have not fully cleaned my house, I shove stuff places when guests come over, but it was getting so bad, I knew I had to clean it today, it was now or never. Is this depression? Someone told me it was a major warning sign for depression. Its now almost midnight, and I am just about done. I keep stopping, flopping on my bed, or plopping in front of the computer, and I just cant find motivation. I dont have a child to clean for, and I think thats what it is, I just dont see the sense on cleaning anything, including myself. I have to be forced to get in the shower, to wash my hair, etc. I didnt shave for the last month, but today I finally did. Its just gross. I hate being like this, yet my body is saying NO DONT, and my brain is saying YES YOU ARE GROSS! I have basically made this my life, my mission, helping others, but what about myself? I go see Jace almost daily, sometimes a few times a week at least, but its like, is that helping or hindering me? So many questions. Anyways, I got my laundry all put away, everything vacuumed and mopped, dishes all done, bed made, cat box scooped, showered, shaved, grocery list done, bills paid, all I have left to do is go to the store and wash my toilet and sink in the bathroom. THEN I AM DONE! But my only concern is, should I have done it all at once, because I know how I am acting now, and I know that I could potentially go another 2 or 3 weeks without doing anything. I have seeked outside help, am seeing my therapist the 26th and possibly going on a medicine for the depression. I see other mothers playing with their children outside and I just get this sense of anger and jealousy, like why them and not me, does anyone understand? Well I better finish my bathroom before I never do it. Making a pot of chili tonight, and going to do a diet, I gained 6 lbs in a month, probably more actually. Who knows! Fluffy Angel Kisses, Ashleigh

P.S. this is a photo my sister in law took today at the cemetery, she and my brother in law(Joshs brother and wife) took balloons up with writings on the back of them, very special people in my eyes.

Disrespect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No man should ever disrespect his woman in front of his mother, Ever! Thats what happened today! Its not even night time, and todays been one shitty day! So working on the car is how Joshs morning started out, and I was sitting on the porch step and he was attempting to do the oil change, and recall this is just how I saw and heard things, but I felt so disrespected. He may not think he yelled or disrespected me, but I feel like he did, and thats all that matters! I have spent the last 4 1/2 years, almost 5, trying to prove to everyone that I am a good person, I have spent the last few years trying to prove to my family that he has drive and has emotion, I am so wrong. I feel like I did a bad thing by giving Jace and Emma his last name. I may be just speaking out of anger and hurt feelings, but right now this is how I feel. I gave them the Whitcomb last name because Josh is a good guy, and he loves those little girls, but I am starting to think nothing was ever what I created it to be in my head. He has no respect, none. The way I felt was like I was being blamed for his stupid mistake, like I was supposed to be watching the every move of the damn stationary Jeep, like I was supposed to see it pouring out...HA! My headphones are on, my Josh Groban is blaring and again I resort to blogging. If you dont like what I am writing, dont read it. I know now that I am miserable, I know now that I hate being a door mat, and I know now that this is probably just the grief stages coming out. I dont know much, but I do know I feel hurt so so so bad right now!

Websites....

http://www.myspace.com/552919610

http://www.multipleangelslookingdown.info

This is how you can follow me and my families journey

Unconditional Love and Loving Words written by Alan D. Whitcomb

Written by Alan D. Whitcomb for Jace Marie Whitcomb's memorial service

"Prayer:

Compassionate and loving God, yours is the beauty of childhood, and yours is the fullness of years. Comfort us in our sorrow, strengthen us with hope, and breathe peace into our troubled hearts. Assure us that the love we had for Jace was not in vain-indeed make it a part of the store of goodness that you even now puring out upon her in your eternal kingdom. Thank you for the assurance that she lives forever in the joy and peace of your presence. Guide us through this time of sadness with the light of your live and the strength of your compassion- we ask it in the of Christ Jesus. Amen.

Words of Consolation:

Our hearts have been full of questions- the most important of them being "how did this happen?" and
why did this happen?" These questions have not only been in the hearts and minds of Josh and Ashleigh, but inside all of us. We are not here today to answer these questions. Rather we are here to mourn- to mourn and to commend Jace into God's care, and to ask God to help us- and to most especially help Josh and Ashleigh through this tragedy.

In the most beautiful of gardens, even those tended by the most skillful of botanists, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others, but something keeps it from blooming. It fades away- or disappears- without having reached maturity.

What happens in nature's garden happens once in a while also in the garden of God's human family. A baby is born, beautiful, precious, but fails to come to its rightful unfolding. This child, like the bud that never fully opens, is gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls-where all imperfections are made perfect; all injustices made right; all mysteries are explained;and all sorrows turned to happiness.

Today we mourn our loss of such a child. We weep, just as Jesus himself wept at the death of his friend Lazarus. Even if we knew the answers to the questions that rise so naturally to our hearts and minds at times like this, there still would be no adequate explanation for this loss. It is painful.

And I believe it is also painful to God, who created the world intending for it to be perfect. As Jesus himself said, "It is not the will of your Father that one of these little ones should perish."

And, as promised to us b y God through the prophet Isaiah, there will come a time when there is a new heaven and a new earth- a time when never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man does not live out his years- a time so glorious in its presences that a person who is only a hundred will be though to be a mere youth.

But this is not yet that time.

Rather this is the time when heaven yet remains above- and the earth below. There are angels above. Angels who watch over the little ones of this earth. There is a special place in the heart of God and amonghts the angels for the little ones of this world just as there is a special place in our hearts today for Jace.

And so we weep at what has happened.
And so too-God weeps with us.

What can be said that might ease the pain or assuage the grief that you- and all of us feel today?
We can express our sympathy and sorrow.
We can offer words of love, care and concern.
We can say we will pray for you.
But other than that we don't know what to say about these things.

Maybe it is because people don't know what to say that they sometimes say the wrong things.

Some people may try to say that Jace's death at this time was God's will. Please, don't believe them. The God we worship, the God who watches over us, doesn't will the death of babies or the pain of their parents. Many things that happen in this world are not the will of God. That is part of the price of the freedom we have been given by God.

Some people may say to you that God wanted Jace in heaven with Him. While I am confident God has welcomed Jace into His kingdom, I am sure that God did not want her to go this early just so that He could have her there.

Some people may seek to comfort you by saying to you that you are young and that you can have other children. That may be true, but other children will not replace Jace. She was her own person. The empty place that her death has left in your heart will not be filled simply because you have another child, nor should it be. Every child is unique and precious.

I am sure the people who say things like this say them with a desire to comfort. They want to say something that will help. Bless them for it- but know that we are faced with a mystery- the mystery of life- and of death- in which there are no easy answers.

It is important to know that God is for you. God did not do this to you. God did not "will" Jace's death, or your pain. But God is with you in the midst of it all and will help you through it. God is for you. Even more, God understands your pain. God had a son who died also.

Now, you may think, "Sure, but Jesus rose from the dead." Well, its because Jesus rose to a new life that you can be confident that Jace has new life also, one that can never be snatched away from her- or from you Lord.

Today- in our grief- know this- that there is another angel in heaven. Cling to that hope- that promise of our God- and allow your tears to wash away the pain in the days and months to come.

As a Christian, it is my conviction that our loved ones do move on into that nearer presence of God, where they will no longer hunger, no longer thirst, no more pain. Because Jesus is in the midst of the throne and He will be their Shepard, and He will guide them to springs of living water; and God himself will wipe away every tear from their eyes."


This was written by my brother in law Alan Whitcomb. He wrote this for our daughter Jace's memorial service and never had an opportunity to share it, taking it upon myself, I am sharing it to the world for him. He is an amazing  friend, son, brother, brother in law, and uncle. Thank you to Alan for writing this for the family and Jace. It is beautiful, and no words can express how much peace this gave both Josh and I and the family. You are an excellent writer, and I hope you know that. We love you and I am sure our little Buggie Jace is looking down on you and smiling at what a wonderful uncle she has. Love you and your kind words. Ashleigh and Josh

Songs to Honor Our Little Ones....My Playlist...

Josh Groban- To Where You Are
Josh Groban- You Raise Me Up
Frank Turner- You are My Sunshine
Josh Groban- The Prayer
Twila Paris- Visitor From Heaven
Craig Cardiff- Smallest Wingless
The Williams Brothers- Can't Cry Hard Enough
Sarah McLachlan- I Will Remember You
Sara Groves- It Might Be Hope


there are several other songs, but these are my top picks :-) :-(
even though its hard to listen to them, they some how bring my spirit to ease when I am having one of those off days like today....at Jace's memorial/funeral service, whatever you want to call it, they played
Josh Groban's To Where You Are and released "doves", I will forever have that image in my head. When we were leaving the cemetery, my boyfriend noticed 3 doves sitting on the roof of the funeral home, side by side...to him that was a sign they were together and doing well...it was an image I will always have in my mind. Some days are harder than others, today has been one of those hard days. I sit now, in the dark, on the floor, at my computer, ear phones on, separated from the boyfriend in the bedroom, just thinking and seeing those birds being release...honestly it gives me a knot in my throat and a headache, but I just cant pull myself from this song yet...

D-R-A-M-A...

When you least expect it these 5 BIG letters pop up into ones life...like today, in mine. Before I get into this day, and the D-R-A-M-A of it, I wanted to announce to everyone that my brother, Nathan and his wife and son Skyler made it back to Illinois safely for their 30 days of vacation, very exciting and thankful he is home. Skyler is now 9 months old, and Nathan just got home from his tour in Iraq, so prayers go out to all the other soilders left behind out there in those countries fighting for our freedom and the others freedom as well, thank you to our military and their families. Today has been on of those days. The car, the new car we just bought like 1 1/2 weeks ago, broke down. The power steering went out completely on it, not sure if its the geer or the pump, we will find out soon enough though Im sure. It seems like no matter how hard we try, we take 2 or 3 steps back. Someone told me that its Satan working against us, and he only does that when something good is about to happen. All I have to say to that is, SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN ALREADY, weve been through hell and back the last 3 years, some fault of our own, and some things out of our control. It would be nice to see good happen without something bad following it SOON! I am sitting here listening to this song by Sara Groves called
 "From this One Place" and Ill tell you what, if you really sit and listen to it, it is so so just right. Anyways, if its not one thing its another, I know we are just starting out as adults..well kind of, Im 23 and hes 27, but we are rebuilding, and they say every new house something goes wrong and you have to start from fresh, but Im so sick of starting over, I just want to be on our own 2 feet, and doing for ourselves what our parents do for themselves! I just want to be truly happy. Sure a smile can fake people out into believing you are happy, a voice with a simple smile makes the listener think you are having a wonderful day and life as well, but when you really arent happy, you would think someone would notice that by now. Years of fake smiles, years of heart ache, years of tears and not happy ones either...enough is enough! Burned a candle today for our little Jace, no special reason, just because I love her and miss those little beats of her heart. If someone is reading this, I do need one question answered though, when a woman has a baby, much less 2 healthy children, why do they still find the need to complain? When they have a husband that made that commitment to her in front of friends and family, put a ring on the finger, and says I love you and kisses her in front of everyone, why does she still complain? When she has no worries in the world but her own, a beautiful newborn baby and an amazing toddler, a loving husband and a family that accepts her for her, how can anyone complain??? Thats all for now, have a wonderful day...MONDAY IS ALMOST OVER FOLKS! Thank you God!

Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours,

Ashleigh

Bumpy Bumpy 24 Hours....

It has been one bumpy ride the last day! One day everyone is fine, the next everyone is making each other cry. Yesterday was a long, very long day. Josh and I took my grandmother to lunch at a little hick place in the middle of nowhere around 2. Josh left to go to work, and I rode with my grandma back to Lincoln to attend a concert with my mom and sister, and grandma of course. We all met for dinner at a little Mexican joint in Lincoln, dad and brother included, and then left to go to the concert. The brother decided he wanted to go with us, so we all loaded up in moms truck and headed to Morton to see Sara Groves. It was a good concert, an eventful night. By time we got back to Lincoln, dad decided it was late, and took me home. My parents hadnt seen Jace's obituary yet, so as I was getting out of the truck, I told dad I had something for him and mom, and they could do with it what they wanted, and I laid her bookmark obit on the seat, his face just dropped...it was almost like his heart broke. My heart breaks every time I see his heart break, always have been a daddys girl no matter how bad of a fight we get into. This time, my heart didnt break for him, it broke for little Jace. Her own grandfather had doubted her existence, and that just doesnt seem right. He has good reason to doubt me, well he HAD good reason to, but people change, but he doesnt see that I guess. He drove off, I went inside and just cried. I dont know exactly why I was crying, I dont know if it was the fact that he let his own angel granddaughter down, or the fact that I had a huge weight lifted off of my own shoulders as a parent. Not sure still, either way, I know this time I was not crying for his sake, I was crying for Jace's sake. See I dont feel I was ever good enough for my dad, I never was "athletic" or musical, I was artistic in a rebellious way and a son of a gun in the Karate studio, almost made black belt, but broke my foot, I can still kick butt! Anyways, my brother is in the US ARMY, married with a son, living his own life, my other brother is a sweet little boy, he is only 13, but he plays the Saxophone and loves the church, and then my sister does dance, and is musical all around and an amazing singer, and she loves sports and loves school and is on student council, and then you have me, never married, no living kids, left college, living with a boyfriend outside of marriage and not working...to him that spells failure..and maybe it does. I wish I could find a way to make my dad proud, but somehow that just doesnt seem in the cards right now, I dont think. I have let him down so much in the past its not even funny. Either way, my mother and I had a good conversation today. Everything has been so superficial, fake smiles, felt like forced I love you's and forced hugs good bye, but it seems like this was what broke the ice into a deeper level, I hope one day her and I can just sit down and talk it all out. I see hope in that future. She is more forgiving than my dad I believe. This is just me talking, and maybe Im not seeing things clearly, but thats how I feel. Anyways, its been a bumpy couple of days. I read one of my blogs, the first blog I ever wrote and bawled, its so emotional I guess. Well thats all I have to say tonight. Going out with a friend tonight, should be fun. My best friend comes home the 19th for good, she has been working at Disney, and is coming back for good, so excited, I missed her so so much. My brother and his wife and my 9 month old nephew comes home for 30 days tomorrow. My brother has been in Iraq, so he is taking his "vacation" this month, very happy about that. Well off to drink a couple Martinis tonight. Tons of fluffy duffy hug filled angel kisses.

Hope!

This is going to sound like such a strange thing to say, but I am so thankful to see my period started on time, and so thankful to know that I am ovulating! This gives Josh and I such hope for the future...so many couples have such a hard time getting regular after a loss, and its such a hard journey, to me this is a sign everything will work out in time, not in the next month or so but in the next few years, its such a blessing in such an odd disguise! Thats all I have to say today... as of right now we are nothing but mere shadows in Gods loving light, He is showing us the way, in what He wishes for delight, all I can say is praise Him, love Him, live like Him and all is well in the Lord--I am not a church goer, or a crazy loon who preaches or even likes to hear preaching, but I am starting to see that this happened not only to bring Josh and I closer but to hopefully bring us all closer one day

Babble Babble Babble

Been 1 month since we found out little Jace was dead....gives me a headache just thinking about that night.It is about 11:30 p.m. here, and I am exhausted. Yesterday was non stop running, until about 11 p.m. last night. All of our family had dinner out of town at my grandmothers house, minus Joshs oldest brother whos out of town on vacation and Joshs father, whom is a social outcast with me and my family, but he missed a darn good dinner. Today we woke up, early, what seems to be early for us, and didnt do a whole lot except pick up some take out pizza. Last night though, after we all got into town, we all went to the cemetery to visit Jace and make sure her solar light was working, praise the Lord, it was. Ive been doing a lot of thinking though the last day, about having another baby, and Josh and I both decided to try again in a year. In that year we have goals to meet: a bigger newer house, a big enough vehicle, 2 steady jobs (he works, I dont), and a healthier life style I/E cutting out all the take out and fast food, and walking our dog and stuff, and the final thing is a financial safety net. Right now, so much is going on we have no safety net, except a car and insurance to fall back on, but we are living in a house we dont own, and a house that we will probably lose come next year or so, it just so up in the air right now, I just wonder what life would be like with 3 children, even 2 or 1 child, pure chaos I bet. I dyed my hair today, a light brown with blonde low lights, its pretty, I needed that change. Met with my new "guidance light" (leaving out her name, we will call her Barb) tonight, and she is really nice. She came to my home, I showed her my photo album, and we just talked, she suggested I light my candle every morning and say a little something to the children, and then light it again at night. She believes that talking to them will help, she is probably right. I find myself talking to them anyways. Yesterday, on our way out of town, Josh and I stopped and sat on the grass and just talked to them for a good half hour, it was really refreshing, sad but refreshing. I dont really have much to talk about right now, other than the fact that I went from not sleeping at all, to sleeping a ton, oh and my monthly present came right on time, so that is both a good and bad thing. To Josh and I that is a sign that a pregnancy will come in the near future, as long as it stays right on track, and its also something that my body isnt really used to having, so it sucks monkey butt. Im adjusting I think. Feels weird when family asks if I have something for their babies, and I say yes, and then I follow it with, you can just keep it...it feels so strange, to just be giving away what was supposed to be for my children, sucks actually. There is not even a good way to go through all of this, sure stuff helps, but the pain is so deep its hard to describe. 

Visited the cemetery today...

Today is the day before Jace's 1 month anniversary/birthday, however you want to look at it, I did not realize this until her grandmother informed me today on our way to get some balloons to take to the cemetery, which made it all the much more difficult to go. To make this short and simple, the last week has been one heck of a ride for Josh and I, the car broke down, and then out of no where on Thursday, we received a phone call stating someone had taken out a loan for us to get a car, and wed just pay them back like they were the finance company, so Friday morning we picked up our "new" Jeep. Made me very happy, temporarily. So today, Josh and I went to the cemetery, and noticed there were more flowers there than before, and on one of the tags, for the flowers it read "I love you, Love grandma and grandpa" it was from Joshs mom and dad, I cried, Josh tried fighting tears back, it was very sweet. Got into an argument with the funeral home, Saturday about the proof for their stone, someone told Josh and I that it would be ready first thing LAST monday morning, because the car broke down, we didnt get to go until just now, we were then informed a week after it was supposed to be done, there was no proof until most of the stone was paid for, so we debated about canceling the plot, but in the end we decided to keep it because its a place close to home we can go to visit and memorialize. Anyways, we took a balloon and some flowers out to Jace today for her 1 month birthday, it was hell. Josh went crazy with balloons today, so sitting in our house, on Jace's memorial table, is a half dozen of balloons, its was sweet of him, I think he enjoys doing stuff like this because it focuses on the nice parts of things instead of the dark side of it, he is right by feeling this way. Other than that, my nephew, whom I havent seen since June is coming back with my brother and his wife for a couple of weeks, my brother is in the army and just got home from Iraq, he is stationed in Washington, so this will be a nice treat to see how big Skyler has grown, he is 9 months old now, and he is HUGE! Well I am going to head to bed, I have a migraine, but I thought Id write before I shut out from the world for a few days again...tons of fluffy duffy angel kisses to everyone out there

XOXO
Ashleigh

HERE ARE SOME LIFE PICTURES!

Emma's 1st birthday Memorial at our house with Joshs family

Me and my nephew Skyler Robert Hoefs born December 30,2009

Josh,my grandmother,and Me at Emma's birthday

My nephew Nathan Lynn born Sept 10,2007

Me and my nephew Daniel Fredrick born Sept 1,2010

Josh and I Halloween 2009

Josh and I at my baby shower for Emma, I wanted a photo album so badly and he got it for me :-)

Jace's shoes we bought her as soon as we found out she was a girl <3

Our doggy, Tootsie, she is 4, will be 5 on Sept 26th, also Joshs birthday, she is a white lab, shepard mix

Only ultrasound of our son Clayton Alyxander born sleeping on June 12,2007 at 19 weeks development

Birthday cake for Emma

Our House, Our Home..its not much, but its come a long ways in the past year of living here

Our kitty Charlie, we found him at the dam, and he is a love, fat cat heaven in our house!

Me after our trip to Jamaica when I was 12 years old

My rose bush, we dedicated to Emma Jo Drue Whitcomb August 6,2009

Prayer said for Emma and Clayton at Emma's 1st birthday August 7,2010

THIS IS OUR LIFE....More Photos added later on in time

Just some flashbacks of our pregnancies...

 Emma's Nursery

Pregnant with Emma

Jace's July Ultrasound

Pregnant with Jace

Easter Basket for Emma made while pregnant with her

Fathers Day 2010

Ultrasound of Emma

Nursery at Grandparents for Emma

WE ARE PREGNANT w/ Jace Marie Whitcomb!

Baby Shower for Em

Living Room Before--pregnant with Emma

Living Room After--pregnant with Jace

Bedroom Before--pregnant with Emma

Bedroom After--pregnant with Jace

We welcomed a new nephew on Sept 1,2010--pregnant with Jace Marie when baby Daniel Fredrick Whitcomb was  born :-)

Shoes for Jace, loved them!

Ultrasound of Clayton

Mothers Day 2009, pregnant with Emma

Me and my late grandmother Barbara...looked at alot of baby photos while we were pregnant....

Josh's baby photo...he was so cute! Clayton gets his name from Joshs middle name...

Pregnancy was always a ride, of ups and downs, but in the end, it was the happiest, most joyful time in our life..this was taken while pregnant with Emma...