Bitter Sweet

(This is of my grandmother, my best friend, my rock, shes 80 today,Happy 80th Grandma, we love you!)

Today was a great day, well, bitter sweet I should say. I slept great last night, just a dream, I dont remember it though. Then we were running late to our appointment at the funeral home to get the plot and design the stone. We got there though, and it was a step towards closure. No one ever gets closure, just feeling better in my opinion. I am excited in a way to go put the stuff out there for our angels. Yes, Clayton,Emma and Jace will all three be on the stone, so we will have a place to go for all of them. Thank you God! After the funeral home appointment, we went to Walmart and got my grandma's cake for her 80th birthday. She has had a great life. She has been my rock, always there for me, and Josh. Its nice to know she is there for not only me, but also my partner. That is very hard to find. So we celebrated with a good old fashion country girl meal, Ham and Beans, Corn Bread, Molasses and Fried Potatoes. To die for, yum! We bought her a cake, a box of her favorite chocolates,and my family got her a box of pastries, and cream puffs, I think we are trying to fatten her up, she has dropped down to 89 lbs since my grandpa died. It is strange, I am gaining weight, because I binge eat, she is losing weight because she doesnt eat. For the first few days, I couldnt eat, I would throw up, but now I eat and eat and eat. Its like I am just letting myself go. Actually I was 180 lbs when I first had Clayton, I am now 280 lbs. roughly. 100 lbs in 3 years, thats not good! Some days I want to just starve, and other days you could take me to a buffet and Id eat for hours, I eat myself sick. My new medicine is coffee, its a fix for both the sleep deprivation and the hunger, in a way. Anyways, today was a great day! So much fun to see my siblings, whom are ages 13 and 11, and see my grandmother, its always a good time. I actually saw my parents today for the first time in a long time, not a whole lot of words were spoken actually. My dad asked Josh if hed be interested in a job promotion, but very few words were said to eachother. We spoke about heaven and about my nephew Skyler, and my grandmother and late grandfather, and it just wasnt the same. I think since everything happened nothing will be the same. I have my aunt and uncle and grandmother in my corner, and to be honest, thats all I need. My other aunt,from Washington state, told my grandmother that I should have aborted Jace, knowing that it could happen again to me, and I have decided, I dont need an aunt around me or even talking to me if she can say that about my child, here or not, thats my child. I cooked my dad food, and he brought up about how I needed to lose weight, and I just kept my mouth shut, considering he is bigger than I am, and thats pretty big. I just focused on the good times with my siblings. They are a hoot! The car ride home was relaxing, just Josh and I, the country roads, the clear skies, and fresh crisp air. We love being alone, whether its for 5 minutes or 2 hours, its nice to get away, just us! His birthday is this Sunday, he will be 27, I am trying to figure out what to give him for his birthday, I am between bowling shoes(to give us something to do together, and get us closer as a couple) or a new baseball cap(he wears it all the time, he feels neked without it, haha). Cant decide, any ideas? Anyways, I just keep thinking about the plot, sitting out there, talking to them, taking them stuff for holidays, being close to them, it makes me sad and happy all at once. I am so thankful for this being in the works, and I am so thankful that Josh didnt sit in the car for this, and he actually helped design it and such. It is nice. Well off to bed, sleepy bedtime tea in hand, and the boyfriend waiting for me to shut off the t.v. Alot going on in our house, deciding if we are paying off back taxes and staying in our house, or if we are saving up to move to a new house, deciding if we are soley paying for Jace,Clayton and Emma's stone, or if we will ask for help from his family and my "family", and deciding on Christmas gifts, he wants a big screen t.v. because a 50" isnt big enough lol, or if that money will go towards stuff for the car...so much, and time flies by so fast. That is what I am learning, you take so much for grantid until its gone. We literally lost everything 3 years ago, our house, our cars, our jobs, everything, forced to file bankruptcy this past year, move into Joshs brothers house, clean it out, remodel it, forced to drive his brothers car and pay for the tune ups, new parts and insurance, and just rebuild. We didnt have power for a couple of months the summer of 2009, Josh had to move to Arizona to find work because noone was hiring up here, and we went without water from June 2009 to October 2009, so everyday that we can pay our own bills, buy our own groceries, and be together is a day well done. Life is too short for screw ups, but if it werent for those big huge mistakes that caused us to be homeless without anything, we wouldnt be here today, and we probably wouldnt be together. I see so many people that have a stove, that say they are going home to cook this or that, we went over 2 years without a stove, just bought our stove this past week, we are proud to say we can cook on our stove now, we are proud to say we can pay our bills, we are happy to do dishes in the sink and mop our floors, but life still wont be good enough until we have a baby to love. Being pregnant made us happy, it made me feel loved and needed, like a mother and a woman, it made Josh more sensitive and caring, it drew us closer, so I send a big thank you to tiny little Clayton for keeping daddy and I together, if it wasnt for your developing body in my womb, we wouldnt be together today, I send a big thank you to Emma, if it wasnt for you mommy and daddy would still be homeless, jobless, and relying on the state for all of our needs, you gave us that drive again, that love again, that passion and hope again, so thank you, and a big thank you goes out to our latest and final loss Jace, you gave us our life again, you gave us more compassion and peace of mind, you were our rock, you all three deserve big clouds to sleep on and angel wings with rinestones, you all made a huge impact on our lives. Even though you arent here to run around wild, or to be up with every night, or to hold and hug, you are our children and we love you! This is day 18 since we lost Jace and day 5 since we said our good byes to you three. Good night little angels.