December 15,2010

Hello World! Well its been a crazy few weeks for my family. I left Decatur the 29th of November to be with my parents and siblings for my grandfathers funeral, the 30th we spent on the road going to Wisconsin, it was interestingly fun. Well as fun as it could be. We stopped off at the Machine Shed and had a late lunch, thats where we always met up with my grandparents at. Memories. We got to the hotel and my dad's cousin was there, she is super nice, her and her husband both. You know I dont think I feel sad for my grandpa, I feel more sad for my dad and aunt, that they had to bury their father. I cant even imagine, I dont want to imagine. I had to bury my baby, and I couldnt handle that, so I made my daddy promise me that we wouldnt have to bury him, and he responded by saying that hed go propped up in the corner of their house, it was a smart ass comment, but it was nice to know he was on board with the cookey idea. LoL. I love my parents. They are good people.Needless to say, the visitation was hard, it didnt hit me until I touched him, see with my other grandpa, we knew it was coming, just didnt know when, but with this grandpa it was so sudden it seemed, so quick. Maybe I was in a fantasy land IDK, but I do know it hit me hard when it hit me. Now I am home, came home on Jace's due date, December 3rd, me and my brother stopped off at the cemetery and took her a couple balloons, I think, now that he has little Skyler it hit him harder than I thought it would, he cant imagine losing a baby. I never imagined it, but now that its happened, miscarriages, stillborn, after birth death, I think Im pretty well covered. Ill be honest, Im dreading Christmas, to me its just going to be another day. We walk through the stores and see all this "Baby's 1st Christmas" items, and I just want to scream and yell for Jace to come back, wake up, something! I know she wont but thats what I want to do. Its horrible, my family tells me that I abused my body too much, and thats why she isnt here, well I say thats bull shit! Do you know how many women are abusing their body's while pregnant? I do! In fact, a month or so ago, Josh and I put an adoption ad up and a lady replied to it stating she has a family friend who is homeless and pregnant, the woman is ready to get rid of the baby, never see it never contact it nothing, she is a crack addict. Makes me want to hate the mother, its so horrible. We all have lost a child, doesnt it make you want to slap this bitch? Makes me want to! Well DCFS told Josh and I that they would have an open active case on this mother, we could take the baby home, but we have to write something up with her signing it and get it notarized, but first wed have to become certified foster parents and then they could place this baby with us, and after the case is close, we could adopt him. Yes, its a little boy. I think I may have gotten my hopes up though. I dont think mentally I could prepare myself for the problems that could come up with him, or even the fact that he more than likely will be born very early, she is due the end of February, and he could die. Can I handle that again? I dont think so! My speakers keep cutting out. Anyways, I dont think this is the smartest thing for Josh and I at this time, not sure though. Anyways, Christmas, I seem to be buying gifts for everyone and everything, even my damn fish. My friend tells me this is my way of grieving, well Josh looks at it like money money money. I just want to make everyone else happy at this point I think. Idk. Well we went to the cemetery a few days ago, it was beautiful, snow on the ground, everything. I think though maybe the babies in the Garden of Angels is cold, but Josh assures me they are all in Heaven and its paradise. Is it really? Well that is all for now, finding myself angry at the world, I guess this is all apart of the process-oh and being bipolar probably doesnt help any. Waiting on my period to come, hope it comes before Christmas, I hate the cramps and irk! My doggy is getting over an ear infection, and my cat keeps drinking out of the sink-see I put all the spoons, knifes and forks in a glass in the sink with some soapy water and let them soak, and he keeps drinking out of it, even though he has a water bowl and a big one on the floor he can also drink out of, and he keeps throwing up, guess he just doesnt know that mayo in soapy water from a spoon used to spread on Josh's sandwiches for work, is probably not good for him. Stupid cat! Anyways, I feel like Im writing a novel. Got to go, hoping to go to the cemetery before the big storm hits here. Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours.

Love,

Ashleigh

P.S. a good friend of mine told me she has an ARMY of angels watching over her, well I believe my parents and I also have a troop guarding us. My parents went to the Bears game Sunday in Chicago, they left early because it was so cold, and on their way home, they got in a bad accident, dad hit his head, and moms door is so smashed she cant get out of it, but they all walked away, blessing! Dad injured his shoulder, and mom injured her neck, but they are lucky they are here, the guy had a smaller pick up who smashed into them, he is very lucky as well. I believe my parents had both grandpa's, grandma, their 2 angel babies, my angel babies, my mom's sister Connie, and a few others watching over them during that time, plus God of course. Well stay warm, and have a good holiday season, Im hoping mine gets better, Im praying I find my holiday spirit...maybe someday.

Another Angel Looking Down...

Thanksgiving night, my grandfather passed away and joined my daughter Emma, daughter Jace, grandmother(his wife), my grandfather, aunt Connie and a few other angels that have been longing for him to join them. We will be heading to my familys Monday, leaving for Wisconsin tuesday, returning to my parents Friday night, and returning home Saturday. Funeral is Thursday, visitation is Wednesday. Keep my family in your prayers. Thank you.

The days leading up to now...

A couple of weeks ago, Josh and I found out we were pregnant. We went to the doctor, they gave me a due date of July 3,2011 and we went on our way. THE NEXT DAY, I started clotting, big clots! We went in, we miscarried. I am now on a birth control pill, never to get pregnant for a long time again. Something is wrong, and when they test the tissue, which I will get the results in a couple weeks, I will know why my body, for sure, does this to us. Am I being punished for the way I lived my life almost a decade ago? Am I being punished for being over weight? Are we being punished for not being married and wanting to be parents? What is the problem. As you can see, a lot has occurred in the last few weeks since I last wrote. My aunt Vickie came home from Washington state, and the night before she left she told me I was molested by my grandfather on my dad's side, I think I wanted to kill her. Its not true, so why in the hell would she say this in front of Josh and then tell me that my grandmother and my uncle both know it happened?? Is she that dumb, or is she just stirring the pot. For the record, I have never been molested, I was raped 1 time when I was 17, because I went on a date with a man I met through the internet, but nothing ever became of that. Also she tells me she is sorry for ever doubting Jace's death. It felt like a very hollow Im sorry. Also, Josh is getting a job site transfer. He will be working security at a local factory, its a pay cut, but more growth opportunity there. Very exciting. Oh, our tree is up, its only a 4 foot tree, but its big enough for just Josh and I. It is decorated in candy canes, haha. The last few days have been spent, putting in a new toilet, painting and cleaning the bathroom, and prepping the spare bedroom for Joshs older brother to move in. We dont need a nursery now, so he will be moving in little by little and helping us with a third of the monthly bills and the back taxes. So a lot of painting has been going on here. The bathroom is a pink color with a yellow trim, it all matches the decor in there, and Alan's bedroom is a yellow color with a chocolate trim. Its actually prettier than I thought it would be. Its a work in progress that bedroom. Last night Josh and I spent the evening painting, putting away laundry, doing dishes and then we sat down, watched 2 Christmas movies and just relaxed. Peace and quiet! Very nice! Today we went by the cemetery for a quick second, did some grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, and had a quiet lunch before Josh was sent off to work. As the holidays are quickly approaching I watch these families with their children, teens to infants, and I just long for the day, when Josh and I can be parading and chasing our children around the grocery store while holiday shopping. Sounds crazy, because most parents dread chasing 5 year olds around in the store, but to me its something that symbolizes parenthood :-) We have names picked out already for our future child, that shows we are hopeful someday God will bless us with a baby girl or boy. Kyla Nevaeh and Cale Jackson will be the name of choice. So opinion, my baby brother, he is 13, and today a child put a Nazi sign on his desk and the class started calling him a Nazi...broke my heart... :-( Well thats all tonight...heres pictures of my house...

Day 3 of Meetings, Day 57 Since Jace Died...

Day 3 of OA meetings: I am actually finding some peace of mind attending this group. I am able to talk about the death of Jace, while also indulge in my more personal private things like my weight and such. I have never felt more at peace online, than I do with this group. I have set a goal for myself: 90 meetings in 90 days, 100 lbs in 12 months, 2300 calories a day, 90 minutes of light work out a week, 500 carbs a day or less, and 1 meeting a day. Tomorrow I attend my OA F2F group. I am scared shitless about that. It is easier for me to hide behind a computer screen than it is to walk into a room full of OA members and be the new person...very anxiety ridden. My boyfriend/ex what ever you want to call him, comes home, pissed off because his mother didnt take back the movies on time and and now we are a few bucks short on our car insurance which is due tomorrow...of course she wont find this to be her fault in any way shape or form. She is actually the reason, Josh and I are not a couple at this point in time. She kisses Jessi's ass, and leaves me out, when I actually want to do things with her, but I am not a family member, I am not anything to her or that family because I dont wear a wedding ring, carry the Whitcomb last name or have a screaming baby on my hip! Neither of those options seem too close in my reach right now. Nor do I really wish them to be at this point in time. I guess I am dealing with the loss of being a mother just like any other woman probably would...like a complete and total witch! I know that I am not roses and champaign lately...I know that I am a bat out of hell. I dont mean to be, I just am an emotional mess.  P.S. that movie Monster In Law...that is the perfect image of Josh's mother...irk...words cant even describe this woman. I am used to my family bending over backwards to help us, I am used to them loving Josh and I and treating us to lunches or helping us when we are emotional...his family...they are like aliens, lying, ugly, aliens! Is that too harsh? Peace of mind, Light of the heart....that is what I am currently seeking for myself :-)

Group Tonight...

Hi, I havent been on here in a while, fell in to a slump! The 2 month anniversary of Jace's death is quickly approaching and I have been so depressed I have barely made it up out of bed...I found myself laying in bed, eating and eating and eating...I got on the scale and I broke down and cried...the scale doesnt read me anymore...that is just too much...realizing my whole life revolves around what I am going to eat next or when I will eat made me realize I needed OA! I attended my first group last night, and it hit me, I was in the right place for me :-) My personal goal is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days :-) To lose 50 lbs in 3 months, and 100 lbs in 6 months, but I feel very stressed, and angry. I am probably angry at the fact that I am going without cigarettes and now carbs...I am going with out a baby and the boyfriend is shoving hamburgers in his face like candy...thats when you know you are a real food addict....I never related myself as a food addict before, but when you get mad because you cant eat, ya thats a problem! I am now over 300 lbs, I lied and told my boyfriend I was in the 200's but anyone who's a female and seen me, they know thats not true! I guess my first 2 goals are to start losing the weight, but in order to do that I have to stop minimalizing what I eat or how much I eat. My boyfriend and I will go through McDonalds and I notice Ill say I just want and then give him a list of 3 sandwiches even if they are JUST doubles...I minimalize everything...yesterday...I ate 3 cans of spaghetti o's and had a pint of star bucks ice cream...not normal eating!

Jace's death has affected me in so many ways, but its almost like I use that as an excuse to lay in bed and just eat, like depression is normal enough for me to binge...that is just not right...SO I AM TAKING THE STAND...I am going to over come this disease!

Fluffy Angel Kisses,
Ashleigh

Ever Wonder...

Hi, sorry I havent wrote in such a while, been busy...kind of....as we know, my brother, his wife and their son Skyler are in town until next Tuesday, and so the last few days, we have spent off and on with them. It was so much fun to just get away from the house and just relax! Depression- that is my topic today. Ever just sit  back and watch others around you, and their life go on, while yours is stuck right in the middle, right where it feels it shouldnt be? So I recently have been watching my "in laws" and my friends, and I see them say they are broke, say they are sad, say all this b.s. and then I hear about them going shopping, or going to the movies or whatever, and I just sit back and think like, that extra 30 dollars a month that could be going towards a day date for Josh and I, is going towards our baby's head stone. Like really!?!?! Then I listen to them complain about being broke, like Josh and I live by this budget, no extra's at all! I go see my family 2 times a month, which to me is not nearly enough visits with them, but I have to make do. I am in a city that I hate. I hear everyone else's problems, friend and family wise, and then they dont even bother to ask me how I am feeling. The last couple of days, I went to the store in my pj's, I go to bed and just lay there and cant sleep, I swear I saw my baby Emma, its just like depression is kicking my butt! MAJOR! My boyfriend makes some good money, but when you have  bills to pay, hospital bills because you have no insurance anymore, and groceries because unlike all those other people, you dont scam the state to get LINK....just had enough I think. Maybe this is all a part of the process, not sure, but I watch a friend get 600+ on her LINK card, which is food stamps, and she has state insurance, and then she says they have no food money, and cant afford to go to the doctor...REALLY! I dont know about you, but 600 would last me 2 months! and if I had insurance, which I dont because Josh and I arent married, I could go see the dr. about getting on an anti depressant or ask him why I still have a high fever....just seems odd to me I guess. Complaining, it gets on my nerves. I complain on here, its my outlet, dare I say this stuff to anyone outside of this journal, nope, because I just decide to keep my peace I guess. Just feels like something needs to give, either I need to get my butt out of this house, or something. I have been applying at different jobs, and going to counseling, and still playing house wife, cooking and cleaning and packing lunches, but no job will hire me, I feel I am unfit to work right now with the fact that I either dont sleep at all or sleep too much, I cry over little things. Please tell me someone else has gone through this. Here are some pictures we just took of us and our nephew Skyler, he has been the high light of my last few days to be honest. His mom on the other hand, well when she came in and saw my daughters pictures, I felt like I was being interrogated by her, and I didnt like it one bit. How dare she come into my house and start asking a zillion questions, I refuse to take any pictures down for anyone, I refuse to allow anyone to disrespect me or my family, just felt uncomfortable, and will I allow her back in my home, of course, because she is my sister in law, but golly somethings got to give.
Fluffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours,
Ashleigh


p.s. I am sorry if that was a bitch session, but I needed to vent...I just dont get how someone can say they need money for formula for their baby, but then they can go spend money on dinners out and shopping...maybe its because we lost a baby or something, but to me, these women and men need to get their priorities straight! i love them to death, but children come before luxuries! Just my opinion....

Depression....

So, I was talking to a friend today who tried to get me motivated enough to clean my house. I am not a nasty person, my house has always been spotless, but since Jace died, I literally have not fully cleaned my house, I shove stuff places when guests come over, but it was getting so bad, I knew I had to clean it today, it was now or never. Is this depression? Someone told me it was a major warning sign for depression. Its now almost midnight, and I am just about done. I keep stopping, flopping on my bed, or plopping in front of the computer, and I just cant find motivation. I dont have a child to clean for, and I think thats what it is, I just dont see the sense on cleaning anything, including myself. I have to be forced to get in the shower, to wash my hair, etc. I didnt shave for the last month, but today I finally did. Its just gross. I hate being like this, yet my body is saying NO DONT, and my brain is saying YES YOU ARE GROSS! I have basically made this my life, my mission, helping others, but what about myself? I go see Jace almost daily, sometimes a few times a week at least, but its like, is that helping or hindering me? So many questions. Anyways, I got my laundry all put away, everything vacuumed and mopped, dishes all done, bed made, cat box scooped, showered, shaved, grocery list done, bills paid, all I have left to do is go to the store and wash my toilet and sink in the bathroom. THEN I AM DONE! But my only concern is, should I have done it all at once, because I know how I am acting now, and I know that I could potentially go another 2 or 3 weeks without doing anything. I have seeked outside help, am seeing my therapist the 26th and possibly going on a medicine for the depression. I see other mothers playing with their children outside and I just get this sense of anger and jealousy, like why them and not me, does anyone understand? Well I better finish my bathroom before I never do it. Making a pot of chili tonight, and going to do a diet, I gained 6 lbs in a month, probably more actually. Who knows! Fluffy Angel Kisses, Ashleigh

P.S. this is a photo my sister in law took today at the cemetery, she and my brother in law(Joshs brother and wife) took balloons up with writings on the back of them, very special people in my eyes.