Hi, I havent been on here in a while, fell in to a slump! The 2 month anniversary of Jace's death is quickly approaching and I have been so depressed I have barely made it up out of bed...I found myself laying in bed, eating and eating and eating...I got on the scale and I broke down and cried...the scale doesnt read me anymore...that is just too much...realizing my whole life revolves around what I am going to eat next or when I will eat made me realize I needed OA! I attended my first group last night, and it hit me, I was in the right place for me :-) My personal goal is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days :-) To lose 50 lbs in 3 months, and 100 lbs in 6 months, but I feel very stressed, and angry. I am probably angry at the fact that I am going without cigarettes and now carbs...I am going with out a baby and the boyfriend is shoving hamburgers in his face like candy...thats when you know you are a real food addict....I never related myself as a food addict before, but when you get mad because you cant eat, ya thats a problem! I am now over 300 lbs, I lied and told my boyfriend I was in the 200's but anyone who's a female and seen me, they know thats not true! I guess my first 2 goals are to start losing the weight, but in order to do that I have to stop minimalizing what I eat or how much I eat. My boyfriend and I will go through McDonalds and I notice Ill say I just want and then give him a list of 3 sandwiches even if they are JUST doubles...I minimalize everything...yesterday...I ate 3 cans of spaghetti o's and had a pint of star bucks ice cream...not normal eating!
Jace's death has affected me in so many ways, but its almost like I use that as an excuse to lay in bed and just eat, like depression is normal enough for me to binge...that is just not right...SO I AM TAKING THE STAND...I am going to over come this disease!
Fluffy Angel Kisses,
Ashleigh
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