Ever Wonder...

Hi, sorry I havent wrote in such a while, been busy...kind of....as we know, my brother, his wife and their son Skyler are in town until next Tuesday, and so the last few days, we have spent off and on with them. It was so much fun to just get away from the house and just relax! Depression- that is my topic today. Ever just sit  back and watch others around you, and their life go on, while yours is stuck right in the middle, right where it feels it shouldnt be? So I recently have been watching my "in laws" and my friends, and I see them say they are broke, say they are sad, say all this b.s. and then I hear about them going shopping, or going to the movies or whatever, and I just sit back and think like, that extra 30 dollars a month that could be going towards a day date for Josh and I, is going towards our baby's head stone. Like really!?!?! Then I listen to them complain about being broke, like Josh and I live by this budget, no extra's at all! I go see my family 2 times a month, which to me is not nearly enough visits with them, but I have to make do. I am in a city that I hate. I hear everyone else's problems, friend and family wise, and then they dont even bother to ask me how I am feeling. The last couple of days, I went to the store in my pj's, I go to bed and just lay there and cant sleep, I swear I saw my baby Emma, its just like depression is kicking my butt! MAJOR! My boyfriend makes some good money, but when you have  bills to pay, hospital bills because you have no insurance anymore, and groceries because unlike all those other people, you dont scam the state to get LINK....just had enough I think. Maybe this is all a part of the process, not sure, but I watch a friend get 600+ on her LINK card, which is food stamps, and she has state insurance, and then she says they have no food money, and cant afford to go to the doctor...REALLY! I dont know about you, but 600 would last me 2 months! and if I had insurance, which I dont because Josh and I arent married, I could go see the dr. about getting on an anti depressant or ask him why I still have a high fever....just seems odd to me I guess. Complaining, it gets on my nerves. I complain on here, its my outlet, dare I say this stuff to anyone outside of this journal, nope, because I just decide to keep my peace I guess. Just feels like something needs to give, either I need to get my butt out of this house, or something. I have been applying at different jobs, and going to counseling, and still playing house wife, cooking and cleaning and packing lunches, but no job will hire me, I feel I am unfit to work right now with the fact that I either dont sleep at all or sleep too much, I cry over little things. Please tell me someone else has gone through this. Here are some pictures we just took of us and our nephew Skyler, he has been the high light of my last few days to be honest. His mom on the other hand, well when she came in and saw my daughters pictures, I felt like I was being interrogated by her, and I didnt like it one bit. How dare she come into my house and start asking a zillion questions, I refuse to take any pictures down for anyone, I refuse to allow anyone to disrespect me or my family, just felt uncomfortable, and will I allow her back in my home, of course, because she is my sister in law, but golly somethings got to give.
Fluffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours,
Ashleigh


p.s. I am sorry if that was a bitch session, but I needed to vent...I just dont get how someone can say they need money for formula for their baby, but then they can go spend money on dinners out and shopping...maybe its because we lost a baby or something, but to me, these women and men need to get their priorities straight! i love them to death, but children come before luxuries! Just my opinion....