It has been one bumpy ride the last day! One day everyone is fine, the next everyone is making each other cry. Yesterday was a long, very long day. Josh and I took my grandmother to lunch at a little hick place in the middle of nowhere around 2. Josh left to go to work, and I rode with my grandma back to Lincoln to attend a concert with my mom and sister, and grandma of course. We all met for dinner at a little Mexican joint in Lincoln, dad and brother included, and then left to go to the concert. The brother decided he wanted to go with us, so we all loaded up in moms truck and headed to Morton to see Sara Groves. It was a good concert, an eventful night. By time we got back to Lincoln, dad decided it was late, and took me home. My parents hadnt seen Jace's obituary yet, so as I was getting out of the truck, I told dad I had something for him and mom, and they could do with it what they wanted, and I laid her bookmark obit on the seat, his face just dropped...it was almost like his heart broke. My heart breaks every time I see his heart break, always have been a daddys girl no matter how bad of a fight we get into. This time, my heart didnt break for him, it broke for little Jace. Her own grandfather had doubted her existence, and that just doesnt seem right. He has good reason to doubt me, well he HAD good reason to, but people change, but he doesnt see that I guess. He drove off, I went inside and just cried. I dont know exactly why I was crying, I dont know if it was the fact that he let his own angel granddaughter down, or the fact that I had a huge weight lifted off of my own shoulders as a parent. Not sure still, either way, I know this time I was not crying for his sake, I was crying for Jace's sake. See I dont feel I was ever good enough for my dad, I never was "athletic" or musical, I was artistic in a rebellious way and a son of a gun in the Karate studio, almost made black belt, but broke my foot, I can still kick butt! Anyways, my brother is in the US ARMY, married with a son, living his own life, my other brother is a sweet little boy, he is only 13, but he plays the Saxophone and loves the church, and then my sister does dance, and is musical all around and an amazing singer, and she loves sports and loves school and is on student council, and then you have me, never married, no living kids, left college, living with a boyfriend outside of marriage and not working...to him that spells failure..and maybe it does. I wish I could find a way to make my dad proud, but somehow that just doesnt seem in the cards right now, I dont think. I have let him down so much in the past its not even funny. Either way, my mother and I had a good conversation today. Everything has been so superficial, fake smiles, felt like forced I love you's and forced hugs good bye, but it seems like this was what broke the ice into a deeper level, I hope one day her and I can just sit down and talk it all out. I see hope in that future. She is more forgiving than my dad I believe. This is just me talking, and maybe Im not seeing things clearly, but thats how I feel. Anyways, its been a bumpy couple of days. I read one of my blogs, the first blog I ever wrote and bawled, its so emotional I guess. Well thats all I have to say tonight. Going out with a friend tonight, should be fun. My best friend comes home the 19th for good, she has been working at Disney, and is coming back for good, so excited, I missed her so so much. My brother and his wife and my 9 month old nephew comes home for 30 days tomorrow. My brother has been in Iraq, so he is taking his "vacation" this month, very happy about that. Well off to drink a couple Martinis tonight. Tons of fluffy duffy hug filled angel kisses.
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