Babble Babble Babble

Been 1 month since we found out little Jace was dead....gives me a headache just thinking about that night.It is about 11:30 p.m. here, and I am exhausted. Yesterday was non stop running, until about 11 p.m. last night. All of our family had dinner out of town at my grandmothers house, minus Joshs oldest brother whos out of town on vacation and Joshs father, whom is a social outcast with me and my family, but he missed a darn good dinner. Today we woke up, early, what seems to be early for us, and didnt do a whole lot except pick up some take out pizza. Last night though, after we all got into town, we all went to the cemetery to visit Jace and make sure her solar light was working, praise the Lord, it was. Ive been doing a lot of thinking though the last day, about having another baby, and Josh and I both decided to try again in a year. In that year we have goals to meet: a bigger newer house, a big enough vehicle, 2 steady jobs (he works, I dont), and a healthier life style I/E cutting out all the take out and fast food, and walking our dog and stuff, and the final thing is a financial safety net. Right now, so much is going on we have no safety net, except a car and insurance to fall back on, but we are living in a house we dont own, and a house that we will probably lose come next year or so, it just so up in the air right now, I just wonder what life would be like with 3 children, even 2 or 1 child, pure chaos I bet. I dyed my hair today, a light brown with blonde low lights, its pretty, I needed that change. Met with my new "guidance light" (leaving out her name, we will call her Barb) tonight, and she is really nice. She came to my home, I showed her my photo album, and we just talked, she suggested I light my candle every morning and say a little something to the children, and then light it again at night. She believes that talking to them will help, she is probably right. I find myself talking to them anyways. Yesterday, on our way out of town, Josh and I stopped and sat on the grass and just talked to them for a good half hour, it was really refreshing, sad but refreshing. I dont really have much to talk about right now, other than the fact that I went from not sleeping at all, to sleeping a ton, oh and my monthly present came right on time, so that is both a good and bad thing. To Josh and I that is a sign that a pregnancy will come in the near future, as long as it stays right on track, and its also something that my body isnt really used to having, so it sucks monkey butt. Im adjusting I think. Feels weird when family asks if I have something for their babies, and I say yes, and then I follow it with, you can just keep it...it feels so strange, to just be giving away what was supposed to be for my children, sucks actually. There is not even a good way to go through all of this, sure stuff helps, but the pain is so deep its hard to describe.