What a journey...

4 months after the loss of our angel Jace, we find ourselves wondering, what is our next move-Josh just started a new job site, and his last check and next pay check are going to be so small, we have to decide between groceries or a bill-its nuts-come the 2nd check in Feb though all will be okay. We are also now stuck in between staying at the house we live in now, we are settled, we have put a lot of work into it, and its big enough for us, and paying rent because we cant get all the taxes paid off in time, or trying for a mortgage and moving, which will get us out of this crazy area, into our own home, and the space will be bigger, but it could mean less money every month, more renovations and again the moving thing. We are stuck between decisions, so I trust Josh to make the best one, and I will obviously go with it. Jace's headstone is now down to 253 dollars until its paid off, which is satisfying. My relationship with my parents is much better, my relationship with Joshs family seems to be worse almost, and my relationship with Josh, despite our 5 year anniversary coming up the 30th, is a little bumpy right now. He is working 3rd shift, I am still at home, and its just a lot of routine, but I am happy with it. So do we adopt or do we hope for the best in the future with our own fertility. I guess we will find out as time goes on. In the mean time, my best friend of 11 years is now talking to me again, after some comments I made out of pure insanity, I have another new friend, who can totally relate to me, she too is an angel mother. We got a few inches of snow this last week, its melting, so Im hoping we get more snow soon, but I look forward to planting my flowers this spring and then in the summer possibly having another pool up or something. Nothing too much has gone on though since I last blogged, just thinking a lot about where the future will take us. Joshs new job has a lot of opportunity for growth, he just needs to believe in himself more and take it on full and strong. A lot of prayers go out to a couple from Lincoln who just lost their twin boys, to stillbirth last week. My heart breaks for you, and you will remain in all my thoughts and prayers. Lots of love and luck to each angel parent out there.

Fluffy Hugs and Lots of Love,
Ashleigh and Angels

4 months ago

4 Months ago our daughter Jace had no heart beat-its been one of those days-we are in the process of adopting a baby boy and its very exciting- I will not be blogging for quite some time, going to be busy, also on bedrest for the time being for other issues-here are some photos of the nursery-there are others, but these are a few- Christmas was good, new years was good-been a little hectic around here, but all is well-have a wonderful next few months

December 15,2010

Hello World! Well its been a crazy few weeks for my family. I left Decatur the 29th of November to be with my parents and siblings for my grandfathers funeral, the 30th we spent on the road going to Wisconsin, it was interestingly fun. Well as fun as it could be. We stopped off at the Machine Shed and had a late lunch, thats where we always met up with my grandparents at. Memories. We got to the hotel and my dad's cousin was there, she is super nice, her and her husband both. You know I dont think I feel sad for my grandpa, I feel more sad for my dad and aunt, that they had to bury their father. I cant even imagine, I dont want to imagine. I had to bury my baby, and I couldnt handle that, so I made my daddy promise me that we wouldnt have to bury him, and he responded by saying that hed go propped up in the corner of their house, it was a smart ass comment, but it was nice to know he was on board with the cookey idea. LoL. I love my parents. They are good people.Needless to say, the visitation was hard, it didnt hit me until I touched him, see with my other grandpa, we knew it was coming, just didnt know when, but with this grandpa it was so sudden it seemed, so quick. Maybe I was in a fantasy land IDK, but I do know it hit me hard when it hit me. Now I am home, came home on Jace's due date, December 3rd, me and my brother stopped off at the cemetery and took her a couple balloons, I think, now that he has little Skyler it hit him harder than I thought it would, he cant imagine losing a baby. I never imagined it, but now that its happened, miscarriages, stillborn, after birth death, I think Im pretty well covered. Ill be honest, Im dreading Christmas, to me its just going to be another day. We walk through the stores and see all this "Baby's 1st Christmas" items, and I just want to scream and yell for Jace to come back, wake up, something! I know she wont but thats what I want to do. Its horrible, my family tells me that I abused my body too much, and thats why she isnt here, well I say thats bull shit! Do you know how many women are abusing their body's while pregnant? I do! In fact, a month or so ago, Josh and I put an adoption ad up and a lady replied to it stating she has a family friend who is homeless and pregnant, the woman is ready to get rid of the baby, never see it never contact it nothing, she is a crack addict. Makes me want to hate the mother, its so horrible. We all have lost a child, doesnt it make you want to slap this bitch? Makes me want to! Well DCFS told Josh and I that they would have an open active case on this mother, we could take the baby home, but we have to write something up with her signing it and get it notarized, but first wed have to become certified foster parents and then they could place this baby with us, and after the case is close, we could adopt him. Yes, its a little boy. I think I may have gotten my hopes up though. I dont think mentally I could prepare myself for the problems that could come up with him, or even the fact that he more than likely will be born very early, she is due the end of February, and he could die. Can I handle that again? I dont think so! My speakers keep cutting out. Anyways, I dont think this is the smartest thing for Josh and I at this time, not sure though. Anyways, Christmas, I seem to be buying gifts for everyone and everything, even my damn fish. My friend tells me this is my way of grieving, well Josh looks at it like money money money. I just want to make everyone else happy at this point I think. Idk. Well we went to the cemetery a few days ago, it was beautiful, snow on the ground, everything. I think though maybe the babies in the Garden of Angels is cold, but Josh assures me they are all in Heaven and its paradise. Is it really? Well that is all for now, finding myself angry at the world, I guess this is all apart of the process-oh and being bipolar probably doesnt help any. Waiting on my period to come, hope it comes before Christmas, I hate the cramps and irk! My doggy is getting over an ear infection, and my cat keeps drinking out of the sink-see I put all the spoons, knifes and forks in a glass in the sink with some soapy water and let them soak, and he keeps drinking out of it, even though he has a water bowl and a big one on the floor he can also drink out of, and he keeps throwing up, guess he just doesnt know that mayo in soapy water from a spoon used to spread on Josh's sandwiches for work, is probably not good for him. Stupid cat! Anyways, I feel like Im writing a novel. Got to go, hoping to go to the cemetery before the big storm hits here. Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours.

Love,

Ashleigh

P.S. a good friend of mine told me she has an ARMY of angels watching over her, well I believe my parents and I also have a troop guarding us. My parents went to the Bears game Sunday in Chicago, they left early because it was so cold, and on their way home, they got in a bad accident, dad hit his head, and moms door is so smashed she cant get out of it, but they all walked away, blessing! Dad injured his shoulder, and mom injured her neck, but they are lucky they are here, the guy had a smaller pick up who smashed into them, he is very lucky as well. I believe my parents had both grandpa's, grandma, their 2 angel babies, my angel babies, my mom's sister Connie, and a few others watching over them during that time, plus God of course. Well stay warm, and have a good holiday season, Im hoping mine gets better, Im praying I find my holiday spirit...maybe someday.

Another Angel Looking Down...

Thanksgiving night, my grandfather passed away and joined my daughter Emma, daughter Jace, grandmother(his wife), my grandfather, aunt Connie and a few other angels that have been longing for him to join them. We will be heading to my familys Monday, leaving for Wisconsin tuesday, returning to my parents Friday night, and returning home Saturday. Funeral is Thursday, visitation is Wednesday. Keep my family in your prayers. Thank you.

The days leading up to now...

A couple of weeks ago, Josh and I found out we were pregnant. We went to the doctor, they gave me a due date of July 3,2011 and we went on our way. THE NEXT DAY, I started clotting, big clots! We went in, we miscarried. I am now on a birth control pill, never to get pregnant for a long time again. Something is wrong, and when they test the tissue, which I will get the results in a couple weeks, I will know why my body, for sure, does this to us. Am I being punished for the way I lived my life almost a decade ago? Am I being punished for being over weight? Are we being punished for not being married and wanting to be parents? What is the problem. As you can see, a lot has occurred in the last few weeks since I last wrote. My aunt Vickie came home from Washington state, and the night before she left she told me I was molested by my grandfather on my dad's side, I think I wanted to kill her. Its not true, so why in the hell would she say this in front of Josh and then tell me that my grandmother and my uncle both know it happened?? Is she that dumb, or is she just stirring the pot. For the record, I have never been molested, I was raped 1 time when I was 17, because I went on a date with a man I met through the internet, but nothing ever became of that. Also she tells me she is sorry for ever doubting Jace's death. It felt like a very hollow Im sorry. Also, Josh is getting a job site transfer. He will be working security at a local factory, its a pay cut, but more growth opportunity there. Very exciting. Oh, our tree is up, its only a 4 foot tree, but its big enough for just Josh and I. It is decorated in candy canes, haha. The last few days have been spent, putting in a new toilet, painting and cleaning the bathroom, and prepping the spare bedroom for Joshs older brother to move in. We dont need a nursery now, so he will be moving in little by little and helping us with a third of the monthly bills and the back taxes. So a lot of painting has been going on here. The bathroom is a pink color with a yellow trim, it all matches the decor in there, and Alan's bedroom is a yellow color with a chocolate trim. Its actually prettier than I thought it would be. Its a work in progress that bedroom. Last night Josh and I spent the evening painting, putting away laundry, doing dishes and then we sat down, watched 2 Christmas movies and just relaxed. Peace and quiet! Very nice! Today we went by the cemetery for a quick second, did some grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, and had a quiet lunch before Josh was sent off to work. As the holidays are quickly approaching I watch these families with their children, teens to infants, and I just long for the day, when Josh and I can be parading and chasing our children around the grocery store while holiday shopping. Sounds crazy, because most parents dread chasing 5 year olds around in the store, but to me its something that symbolizes parenthood :-) We have names picked out already for our future child, that shows we are hopeful someday God will bless us with a baby girl or boy. Kyla Nevaeh and Cale Jackson will be the name of choice. So opinion, my baby brother, he is 13, and today a child put a Nazi sign on his desk and the class started calling him a Nazi...broke my heart... :-( Well thats all tonight...heres pictures of my house...

Day 3 of Meetings, Day 57 Since Jace Died...

Day 3 of OA meetings: I am actually finding some peace of mind attending this group. I am able to talk about the death of Jace, while also indulge in my more personal private things like my weight and such. I have never felt more at peace online, than I do with this group. I have set a goal for myself: 90 meetings in 90 days, 100 lbs in 12 months, 2300 calories a day, 90 minutes of light work out a week, 500 carbs a day or less, and 1 meeting a day. Tomorrow I attend my OA F2F group. I am scared shitless about that. It is easier for me to hide behind a computer screen than it is to walk into a room full of OA members and be the new person...very anxiety ridden. My boyfriend/ex what ever you want to call him, comes home, pissed off because his mother didnt take back the movies on time and and now we are a few bucks short on our car insurance which is due tomorrow...of course she wont find this to be her fault in any way shape or form. She is actually the reason, Josh and I are not a couple at this point in time. She kisses Jessi's ass, and leaves me out, when I actually want to do things with her, but I am not a family member, I am not anything to her or that family because I dont wear a wedding ring, carry the Whitcomb last name or have a screaming baby on my hip! Neither of those options seem too close in my reach right now. Nor do I really wish them to be at this point in time. I guess I am dealing with the loss of being a mother just like any other woman probably would...like a complete and total witch! I know that I am not roses and champaign lately...I know that I am a bat out of hell. I dont mean to be, I just am an emotional mess.  P.S. that movie Monster In Law...that is the perfect image of Josh's mother...irk...words cant even describe this woman. I am used to my family bending over backwards to help us, I am used to them loving Josh and I and treating us to lunches or helping us when we are emotional...his family...they are like aliens, lying, ugly, aliens! Is that too harsh? Peace of mind, Light of the heart....that is what I am currently seeking for myself :-)

Group Tonight...

Hi, I havent been on here in a while, fell in to a slump! The 2 month anniversary of Jace's death is quickly approaching and I have been so depressed I have barely made it up out of bed...I found myself laying in bed, eating and eating and eating...I got on the scale and I broke down and cried...the scale doesnt read me anymore...that is just too much...realizing my whole life revolves around what I am going to eat next or when I will eat made me realize I needed OA! I attended my first group last night, and it hit me, I was in the right place for me :-) My personal goal is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days :-) To lose 50 lbs in 3 months, and 100 lbs in 6 months, but I feel very stressed, and angry. I am probably angry at the fact that I am going without cigarettes and now carbs...I am going with out a baby and the boyfriend is shoving hamburgers in his face like candy...thats when you know you are a real food addict....I never related myself as a food addict before, but when you get mad because you cant eat, ya thats a problem! I am now over 300 lbs, I lied and told my boyfriend I was in the 200's but anyone who's a female and seen me, they know thats not true! I guess my first 2 goals are to start losing the weight, but in order to do that I have to stop minimalizing what I eat or how much I eat. My boyfriend and I will go through McDonalds and I notice Ill say I just want and then give him a list of 3 sandwiches even if they are JUST doubles...I minimalize everything...yesterday...I ate 3 cans of spaghetti o's and had a pint of star bucks ice cream...not normal eating!

Jace's death has affected me in so many ways, but its almost like I use that as an excuse to lay in bed and just eat, like depression is normal enough for me to binge...that is just not right...SO I AM TAKING THE STAND...I am going to over come this disease!

Fluffy Angel Kisses,
Ashleigh