D-R-A-M-A...

When you least expect it these 5 BIG letters pop up into ones life...like today, in mine. Before I get into this day, and the D-R-A-M-A of it, I wanted to announce to everyone that my brother, Nathan and his wife and son Skyler made it back to Illinois safely for their 30 days of vacation, very exciting and thankful he is home. Skyler is now 9 months old, and Nathan just got home from his tour in Iraq, so prayers go out to all the other soilders left behind out there in those countries fighting for our freedom and the others freedom as well, thank you to our military and their families. Today has been on of those days. The car, the new car we just bought like 1 1/2 weeks ago, broke down. The power steering went out completely on it, not sure if its the geer or the pump, we will find out soon enough though Im sure. It seems like no matter how hard we try, we take 2 or 3 steps back. Someone told me that its Satan working against us, and he only does that when something good is about to happen. All I have to say to that is, SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN ALREADY, weve been through hell and back the last 3 years, some fault of our own, and some things out of our control. It would be nice to see good happen without something bad following it SOON! I am sitting here listening to this song by Sara Groves called
 "From this One Place" and Ill tell you what, if you really sit and listen to it, it is so so just right. Anyways, if its not one thing its another, I know we are just starting out as adults..well kind of, Im 23 and hes 27, but we are rebuilding, and they say every new house something goes wrong and you have to start from fresh, but Im so sick of starting over, I just want to be on our own 2 feet, and doing for ourselves what our parents do for themselves! I just want to be truly happy. Sure a smile can fake people out into believing you are happy, a voice with a simple smile makes the listener think you are having a wonderful day and life as well, but when you really arent happy, you would think someone would notice that by now. Years of fake smiles, years of heart ache, years of tears and not happy ones either...enough is enough! Burned a candle today for our little Jace, no special reason, just because I love her and miss those little beats of her heart. If someone is reading this, I do need one question answered though, when a woman has a baby, much less 2 healthy children, why do they still find the need to complain? When they have a husband that made that commitment to her in front of friends and family, put a ring on the finger, and says I love you and kisses her in front of everyone, why does she still complain? When she has no worries in the world but her own, a beautiful newborn baby and an amazing toddler, a loving husband and a family that accepts her for her, how can anyone complain??? Thats all for now, have a wonderful day...MONDAY IS ALMOST OVER FOLKS! Thank you God!

Fluffy Duffy Angel Kisses from mine to yours,

Ashleigh

Bumpy Bumpy 24 Hours....

It has been one bumpy ride the last day! One day everyone is fine, the next everyone is making each other cry. Yesterday was a long, very long day. Josh and I took my grandmother to lunch at a little hick place in the middle of nowhere around 2. Josh left to go to work, and I rode with my grandma back to Lincoln to attend a concert with my mom and sister, and grandma of course. We all met for dinner at a little Mexican joint in Lincoln, dad and brother included, and then left to go to the concert. The brother decided he wanted to go with us, so we all loaded up in moms truck and headed to Morton to see Sara Groves. It was a good concert, an eventful night. By time we got back to Lincoln, dad decided it was late, and took me home. My parents hadnt seen Jace's obituary yet, so as I was getting out of the truck, I told dad I had something for him and mom, and they could do with it what they wanted, and I laid her bookmark obit on the seat, his face just dropped...it was almost like his heart broke. My heart breaks every time I see his heart break, always have been a daddys girl no matter how bad of a fight we get into. This time, my heart didnt break for him, it broke for little Jace. Her own grandfather had doubted her existence, and that just doesnt seem right. He has good reason to doubt me, well he HAD good reason to, but people change, but he doesnt see that I guess. He drove off, I went inside and just cried. I dont know exactly why I was crying, I dont know if it was the fact that he let his own angel granddaughter down, or the fact that I had a huge weight lifted off of my own shoulders as a parent. Not sure still, either way, I know this time I was not crying for his sake, I was crying for Jace's sake. See I dont feel I was ever good enough for my dad, I never was "athletic" or musical, I was artistic in a rebellious way and a son of a gun in the Karate studio, almost made black belt, but broke my foot, I can still kick butt! Anyways, my brother is in the US ARMY, married with a son, living his own life, my other brother is a sweet little boy, he is only 13, but he plays the Saxophone and loves the church, and then my sister does dance, and is musical all around and an amazing singer, and she loves sports and loves school and is on student council, and then you have me, never married, no living kids, left college, living with a boyfriend outside of marriage and not working...to him that spells failure..and maybe it does. I wish I could find a way to make my dad proud, but somehow that just doesnt seem in the cards right now, I dont think. I have let him down so much in the past its not even funny. Either way, my mother and I had a good conversation today. Everything has been so superficial, fake smiles, felt like forced I love you's and forced hugs good bye, but it seems like this was what broke the ice into a deeper level, I hope one day her and I can just sit down and talk it all out. I see hope in that future. She is more forgiving than my dad I believe. This is just me talking, and maybe Im not seeing things clearly, but thats how I feel. Anyways, its been a bumpy couple of days. I read one of my blogs, the first blog I ever wrote and bawled, its so emotional I guess. Well thats all I have to say tonight. Going out with a friend tonight, should be fun. My best friend comes home the 19th for good, she has been working at Disney, and is coming back for good, so excited, I missed her so so much. My brother and his wife and my 9 month old nephew comes home for 30 days tomorrow. My brother has been in Iraq, so he is taking his "vacation" this month, very happy about that. Well off to drink a couple Martinis tonight. Tons of fluffy duffy hug filled angel kisses.

Hope!

This is going to sound like such a strange thing to say, but I am so thankful to see my period started on time, and so thankful to know that I am ovulating! This gives Josh and I such hope for the future...so many couples have such a hard time getting regular after a loss, and its such a hard journey, to me this is a sign everything will work out in time, not in the next month or so but in the next few years, its such a blessing in such an odd disguise! Thats all I have to say today... as of right now we are nothing but mere shadows in Gods loving light, He is showing us the way, in what He wishes for delight, all I can say is praise Him, love Him, live like Him and all is well in the Lord--I am not a church goer, or a crazy loon who preaches or even likes to hear preaching, but I am starting to see that this happened not only to bring Josh and I closer but to hopefully bring us all closer one day

Babble Babble Babble

Been 1 month since we found out little Jace was dead....gives me a headache just thinking about that night.It is about 11:30 p.m. here, and I am exhausted. Yesterday was non stop running, until about 11 p.m. last night. All of our family had dinner out of town at my grandmothers house, minus Joshs oldest brother whos out of town on vacation and Joshs father, whom is a social outcast with me and my family, but he missed a darn good dinner. Today we woke up, early, what seems to be early for us, and didnt do a whole lot except pick up some take out pizza. Last night though, after we all got into town, we all went to the cemetery to visit Jace and make sure her solar light was working, praise the Lord, it was. Ive been doing a lot of thinking though the last day, about having another baby, and Josh and I both decided to try again in a year. In that year we have goals to meet: a bigger newer house, a big enough vehicle, 2 steady jobs (he works, I dont), and a healthier life style I/E cutting out all the take out and fast food, and walking our dog and stuff, and the final thing is a financial safety net. Right now, so much is going on we have no safety net, except a car and insurance to fall back on, but we are living in a house we dont own, and a house that we will probably lose come next year or so, it just so up in the air right now, I just wonder what life would be like with 3 children, even 2 or 1 child, pure chaos I bet. I dyed my hair today, a light brown with blonde low lights, its pretty, I needed that change. Met with my new "guidance light" (leaving out her name, we will call her Barb) tonight, and she is really nice. She came to my home, I showed her my photo album, and we just talked, she suggested I light my candle every morning and say a little something to the children, and then light it again at night. She believes that talking to them will help, she is probably right. I find myself talking to them anyways. Yesterday, on our way out of town, Josh and I stopped and sat on the grass and just talked to them for a good half hour, it was really refreshing, sad but refreshing. I dont really have much to talk about right now, other than the fact that I went from not sleeping at all, to sleeping a ton, oh and my monthly present came right on time, so that is both a good and bad thing. To Josh and I that is a sign that a pregnancy will come in the near future, as long as it stays right on track, and its also something that my body isnt really used to having, so it sucks monkey butt. Im adjusting I think. Feels weird when family asks if I have something for their babies, and I say yes, and then I follow it with, you can just keep it...it feels so strange, to just be giving away what was supposed to be for my children, sucks actually. There is not even a good way to go through all of this, sure stuff helps, but the pain is so deep its hard to describe. 

Visited the cemetery today...

Today is the day before Jace's 1 month anniversary/birthday, however you want to look at it, I did not realize this until her grandmother informed me today on our way to get some balloons to take to the cemetery, which made it all the much more difficult to go. To make this short and simple, the last week has been one heck of a ride for Josh and I, the car broke down, and then out of no where on Thursday, we received a phone call stating someone had taken out a loan for us to get a car, and wed just pay them back like they were the finance company, so Friday morning we picked up our "new" Jeep. Made me very happy, temporarily. So today, Josh and I went to the cemetery, and noticed there were more flowers there than before, and on one of the tags, for the flowers it read "I love you, Love grandma and grandpa" it was from Joshs mom and dad, I cried, Josh tried fighting tears back, it was very sweet. Got into an argument with the funeral home, Saturday about the proof for their stone, someone told Josh and I that it would be ready first thing LAST monday morning, because the car broke down, we didnt get to go until just now, we were then informed a week after it was supposed to be done, there was no proof until most of the stone was paid for, so we debated about canceling the plot, but in the end we decided to keep it because its a place close to home we can go to visit and memorialize. Anyways, we took a balloon and some flowers out to Jace today for her 1 month birthday, it was hell. Josh went crazy with balloons today, so sitting in our house, on Jace's memorial table, is a half dozen of balloons, its was sweet of him, I think he enjoys doing stuff like this because it focuses on the nice parts of things instead of the dark side of it, he is right by feeling this way. Other than that, my nephew, whom I havent seen since June is coming back with my brother and his wife for a couple of weeks, my brother is in the army and just got home from Iraq, he is stationed in Washington, so this will be a nice treat to see how big Skyler has grown, he is 9 months old now, and he is HUGE! Well I am going to head to bed, I have a migraine, but I thought Id write before I shut out from the world for a few days again...tons of fluffy duffy angel kisses to everyone out there

XOXO
Ashleigh

HERE ARE SOME LIFE PICTURES!

Emma's 1st birthday Memorial at our house with Joshs family

Me and my nephew Skyler Robert Hoefs born December 30,2009

Josh,my grandmother,and Me at Emma's birthday

My nephew Nathan Lynn born Sept 10,2007

Me and my nephew Daniel Fredrick born Sept 1,2010

Josh and I Halloween 2009

Josh and I at my baby shower for Emma, I wanted a photo album so badly and he got it for me :-)

Jace's shoes we bought her as soon as we found out she was a girl <3

Our doggy, Tootsie, she is 4, will be 5 on Sept 26th, also Joshs birthday, she is a white lab, shepard mix

Only ultrasound of our son Clayton Alyxander born sleeping on June 12,2007 at 19 weeks development

Birthday cake for Emma

Our House, Our Home..its not much, but its come a long ways in the past year of living here

Our kitty Charlie, we found him at the dam, and he is a love, fat cat heaven in our house!

Me after our trip to Jamaica when I was 12 years old

My rose bush, we dedicated to Emma Jo Drue Whitcomb August 6,2009

Prayer said for Emma and Clayton at Emma's 1st birthday August 7,2010

THIS IS OUR LIFE....More Photos added later on in time

Just some flashbacks of our pregnancies...

 Emma's Nursery

Pregnant with Emma

Jace's July Ultrasound

Pregnant with Jace

Easter Basket for Emma made while pregnant with her

Fathers Day 2010

Ultrasound of Emma

Nursery at Grandparents for Emma

WE ARE PREGNANT w/ Jace Marie Whitcomb!

Baby Shower for Em

Living Room Before--pregnant with Emma

Living Room After--pregnant with Jace

Bedroom Before--pregnant with Emma

Bedroom After--pregnant with Jace

We welcomed a new nephew on Sept 1,2010--pregnant with Jace Marie when baby Daniel Fredrick Whitcomb was  born :-)

Shoes for Jace, loved them!

Ultrasound of Clayton

Mothers Day 2009, pregnant with Emma

Me and my late grandmother Barbara...looked at alot of baby photos while we were pregnant....

Josh's baby photo...he was so cute! Clayton gets his name from Joshs middle name...

Pregnancy was always a ride, of ups and downs, but in the end, it was the happiest, most joyful time in our life..this was taken while pregnant with Emma...